Britain's most notorious prisoner, Charles Bronson, has said he would like Bronson-star Tom Hardy to be a surrogate father for his future children.
If Tom isn't keen, or is too busy being a Hollywood star, then don't worry - he's got a backup. Charlie reckons, if it's a no from Tom, then Danny Fackin' Dyer will be more than happy to donate some of his little cockney swimmers.
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In a letter seen by the Mirror, Charles, who now uses the surname Salvador, wrote: "I know Danny Dyer would be up for it."
Sixty-four-year-old Charles has been feeling broody in recent months, since becoming engaged to Paula Williamson, 37. He even said he would be happy for twins or triplets.
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However, he and his future better-half have been denied the possibility of conjugal visits at HMP Wakefield, throwing a spanner in the works of their baby-making plans.
The resourceful prisoner has since been thinking of ways to get around it, and told a friend: "I always come up with something special. Maybe a surrogate daddy. If Tom says yes, I think it's got to be him.
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"Get a meet with Tom. See what he thinks. I think Paula would go with that choice. I'll be discussing it with my Paula."
Credit: PA Images
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As a straight woman, I think I can say with near 100 percent certainty that Paula would be more than happy with 'that choice'.
His second choice of the movie hard-man turned EastEnders barman Dyer is because he wants to make sure his baby has 'jet black hair', like he once had.
One problem with this plan, well, fucking hell, there's about 70 problems with this plan, but one thing that jumps out at me right now: is Danny Dyer's hair not brown?
What's cockney rhyming slang for sperm? Kevin Keegan's perm? Credit: PA Images
Paula and Charles are hoping to get married in autumn this year, before a parole hearing on November 7.
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He told the unnamed pal to 'make sure' Paula had a white horse for her to arrive on.
He continued: "Oh important. There is a big party in London to celebrate the wedding a few weeks after. Don't forget. I don't want it to be a gangsters' party. I am an artist, not a gangster."
It's shaping up to the be the wedding of the year, this.
Featured Image Credit: Barcroft/Aramid EntertainmentTopics: tom hardy, Danny Dyer, CHarles Bronson