'C*ck Hero' Is The Porn Genre You Didn't Need To Know Existed

If the internet/porn websites have taught us anything, it's that we are not alone and people are weird.

In centuries past, the villager who got a hard-on every time he was tickled probably thought he was a one of a kind freak; nowadays, all he'd have to do is press a few keys and viola, tickle porn... Seriously, it's a fetish called knismolagnia - don't ask how I know that and stay the fuck away from my armpits.

Indeed, in this day and age, there is so much porn so readily available to us that some people have clearly got bored of the whole thing and decided wanking needs to be more challenging. At this juncture, may I introduce you to 'Cock Hero' porn (I'm assuming you haven't yet met).

Basically, you know the game Guitar Hero? Where you tap along on a pretend guitar to the rhythm of a song? ... See where I'm going with this? Substitute the tapping for fapping and the pretend guitar for your actual cock and that's pretty much it.

Typically the videos come with a little pulse bar at the bottom of the screen which indicates the pace the viewer is aiming to strum along to. As with Guitar Hero, the objective is to keep up with the beat and make it to the end, the difference being that if you make it you are then a Cock Hero, rather than a Guitar Hero... So might be something to consider if the CV is looking a little sparse.

Cock Hero porn is actually a thing, I'm sorry to report. Credit: Porhub Insights
Cock Hero porn is actually a thing, I'm sorry to report. Credit: Porhub Insights

This all may sound a little niche, but there are actually more than 1,000 Cock Hero videos on Pornhub. Indeed, the website's Insights team found that Cock Hero videos average 800,000 searches per month, with more than 10 million Cock Hero video searches made last year... As I was saying - there's loads of us humans and loads of us are weird.

Unsurprisingly, Cock Hero videos were in vogue in March 2017, when the most recent instalment of Rock Band VR was released and searches totalled more than 1.2 million.

Interestingly, the videos are watched 94 per cent longer than your average Pornhub videos, which really shows that Cock Heroes really take the game/challenge/tragic wanking habit seriously.

More interestingly still, the genre is by far and away most popular in Finland - the country which was recently named the happiest in the world for the second year running.

Now it would be foolish to mistake correlation with causation, sure, but what if I kinda wanted to listen to 'Carry On Wayward Son' anyway?

Thanks once again, Pornhub Insights. Keep up your noble work.

Jake Massey

Jake Massey is a journalist at LADbible. He graduated from Newcastle University before going to live in Australia and New Zealand for a few years, where he wrote a travel blog. He has previously written for the Eastern Daily Press, Giggle Beats, CALM and Front Magazine. Jake enjoys playing football, listening to music and writing about himself in the third person.

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