It's well and truly that time of year again isn't it?
Faux-German markets are dominating city centres; poor light switch ons in small towns have been organised by middle-aged women in gossip Facebook groups; Tina from accounts has wrapped tinsel around her work computer; and someone has infiltrated the already mouth-wateringly awful and over used communal playlist in the office with a flurry of festive songs.
All of this, and more, signifies the special time of year when we all come together for the annual 'Is Die Hard the Best Christmas film?' debate. Oh, it's also actual Christmas time.
There are two types of people in this world. Those who think Die Hard IS the best Christmas film, and those who are wrong.
It's hard to be annoyed by those who refuse to believe John McClane is the king of December, despite their overarching wrongness.
However, despite what you may want to believe, there is a problem with Die Hard - it will never be the best Christmas film series, because after the incredible original, those in charge made a decision almost as bad as the one to remove Galaxy Truffles from Celebrations.
Four sequels. None of them having much to do with Christmas.
Don't get me wrong, they don't taint the original - my fandom of John is so much that I'm now refusing to greet people with anything other than 'yippee ki-yay motherf*cker' for the whole of December - but as a series, the whole show is kaput.
In spite of this, I sat in for around 12 hours with the sole task of watching the whole series, to see if maybe it wasn't actually as bad as I first thought.
In fact, all five stitch together much like a Christmas night out. The brilliant first effort starts with McClane smoking a cigarette in an airport, with a look that can only signal the calm before the storm.
As the film goes on, anticipation rachets up as you feel yourself slowly slipping from excited to totally enthralled - much like the jump from tipsy first few beers to full-on 3am pissed.
The coolness of Bruce Willis paired with the foot-to-the-floor action pretty much symbolises the wave you ride whilst drunk, singing songs, having laughs and eagerly watching the festive fights breaking out around you. And of course you have your own multiple yippee ki-yay moments through the night.
The end of the film - McClane topless, covered in shit, held at gun point and seemingly out of ideas, is nothing but a metaphor for depths of your Christmas party dreg-ends, which should probably be the end of the night. But rarely is.
Just when the chips are down, sat in the corner of a pub, sick from the taste of mulled wine not and a huge helping of beer, comes the second wind. The gun taped behind your back. The 'goodbye Hans' moment. You're ready to go again.
You're now in Die Hard 2 territory. Steadily making your way through more ale, ready to be sociable again. Die Hard 2 actually starts pretty well. As good as the first? Maybe, just maybe, you'll come out the other side okay.
Sadly though, it's nothing more than an hour and a half of riding on the coattails of what came before. Some parts make you feel alive, the rest just makes you wish you'd called it a night an hour ago.
Die Hard 3 - Die Hard with a Vengeance - is the queue in the kebab shop, head rolling around your shoulders, occasionally joining in with other customers, who won't stop murdering Wham's Last Christmas.
When the sloppy kebab, cheesy chips and massive amounts of garlic mayo arrive, and you cradle it tightly as a taxi whisks you to your bed, you get the feeling it wasn't such a bad night - in three parts - and you can sleep easy. You're wrong, though.
The next morning comes Die Hard 4. Set in July, a far cry from the Christmas setting the first two films stood by, it's pretty much the same as being still pissed with no sense of what the fuck is actually going on.
At this point it's just a case of why fucking bother? Everything was fine. Just a few mulled wines and a couple of pints. But then you had to say yes to jaegerbombs mixed with knock off Red Bull and shots of tequila.
As you may have guessed, Die Hard 5/A Good Day to Die Hard, is when the eventual hangover kicks in. Personally, I avoided watching the fifth instalment as I didn't want to be one of the 17 people to actually acknowledge its existence. Quite poetic really, considering that a good part of a hangover is sleep, ignorant to the world and your troubles.
After all that, I still maintain Die Hard is the best Christmas film, but it's maybe best to forget the rest. Leave Boxing Day for something - someone - else.
As for the naysayers...what's your problem? Is it because it's an action film that just happens to be set at Christmas?
Surely that makes Home Alone a film about two burglars going head-to-head with a young boy, - that just happens to be at Christmas.
I'm not actually sure if that's a valid argument to be honest, but after 12 or so hours of watching Die Hard films, I am drunk, tired, full of Doritos and not really sure about anything any more.
After five films, however, this is still not the end for the franchise. In September it was revealed there'd be a sixth film in the series, simply titled McClane.
Producer Lorenzo di Bonaventura revealed to Empire that the film would be a sequel-prequel, in which Willis would play an older version of himself in the present day - intertwined with parts of his life with Holly in the 1970s.
On the surface, it sounds good, but given the negativity that surrounds about 60% of the series, it really good go either way.
My solution to this is simple: Just watch the first Die Hard six times. Happy Christmas.
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