If you're a fan of the world's greatest cabal of freakish super heroes, then I'm sure you'll already be familiar with the newest blockbuster in the enduringly awesome X-Men film franchise. But, if not, then allow me to inform you that X-Men: Apocalypse is out now on Blu-ray, DVD, Digital HD, floppy disk and CD-ROM (ok, those last two might me made up). Hooray.
This Marvel masterpiece marks the comeback of unstoppable bad-guy Apocalypse, the god-like super mutant who is, much to the dismay of Professor X and his pals, immortal. Can Xavier's school of Gifted Youngsters be able to halt Apocalypse's quest to destroy mankind? Some of you, of course, will know the answer - so please keep quiet for those who haven't seen it yet.
For now, let's ponder one of life's bigger questions: what does it take to get into Xavier's school for Gifted Youngsters, especially if you're not gifted at all? Can you or I - the everylads - who spent our school days 'learning' trigonometry, texting on Nokia 3210s, or spelling obscenities on calculators, ever hope to acquire the skills necessary to be taught by the Prof in order to best a foe as formidable as Apocalypse?
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No. It's a Sci-Fi movie. Duh. Even so, could we at least learn a few tricks that mimic the powers of Professor X, Quicksilver, and even Apocalypse in an effort to help ease us through the drudgery of everyday life? In the hope of creating a CV that might allow me to be considered for induction into this famed place of education, I got on the blower to various experts to see if they'd give my questions about superpowers the time of day. Here are my findings...
APOCALYPSE
SUPER POWER: IMMORTALITY
Wouldn't it great to be immortal? Rather than paying taxes and then dying, you could pay taxes then just swan around for eternity - you know, do something you're really passionate about, like start a craft brewery, play Football Manager or, much like Apocalypse, recruit a gang of super villains help you take over the world. Yet despite what various cult leaders might have you believe, there is no way you can live forever. Sure, you can cut down on the tabs and up the exercise, but that will only extend your life, not keep you on this planet until the end of time. Immortality does not exist. Or does it?
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Every so often, a meme pops up online relating to lobsters. It will say something similar to 'lobsters are biologically immortal' or 'if they have an ample supply of clams, lobsters can live forever'. If this is true, is there anything we can do to emulate this immortal crustacean? Could we shed our skin on occasion? Or eat more clams?
In an effort to find out, I hit up Dr Paul Clark, a Researcher in the Life Sciences Invertebrates Division at the Natural History Museum, to see what this immortality malarkey was all about.
"Everything dies. You're telling me lobsters can live for a thousand years?"
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I don't believe it, but some corners of the internet seems to think so. It's pretty absurd
"Yes it is absurd. The American lobster does live for a long time and it gets to a huge size. But...everything dies. It's just crazy to think that it would live for a thousand years, two million years or whatever."
So how do these Apocalypse-like rumours come about. Is it because lobsters are actually the One True God? Or is it because they never stop growing? I asked Dr Clark:
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"I think lobsters are one of those things that molt continuously. Some crabs have a terminal molt, but lobsters don't have a terminal molt as far as I know."
It would seem online mugs think lobsters can live forever because they keep growing until they die. But they do die. There is nothing on this earth even remotely capable of Apocalypse's longevity. You will never be Elohim, Shen or Ra. If you wanted the gift of immortality, you're not going to get it. As Dr Clark says about lobsters: "They're not immortal. Nothing is."
Right, ok then - onto the next one.
PROFESSOR X
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SUPER POWER: TELEKINESIS
If you've ever been stuck in a traffic jam, pressed in the armpit of a stranger on the tube, or pitted in a battle for mankind against an immortal Human Mutant, then you'd no doubt relish the chance to shift objects with the power of your mind, just like Professor X.
But what would the layman have to do to achieve this power and enter Xavier's school? And does telekinesis even exist? The patient academic who bore the brunt of these queries was Professor Caroline Watt, a founder member of the Koestler Parapsychology Unit at The University of Edinburgh. So Professor Watt, what's the deal with telekinesis?
"We call it Psychokinesis (PK), rather than telekinesis. PK is treated in two categories - large scale effects and small scale effects. The large scale effects are the sort of things you'd see on X Men, and it's what some people claim to be able to do with metal. Small scale effects are what most of the research is conducted on."
Why's that? "Because it's quite easy to fake metal bending abilities. If you're a conjurer or magician, or you've got any sleight of hand ability, it's easy to cheat - to give the appearance of mind over matter. So most researchers have steered away from people who claim to be able to influence physical objects.
As such, they've focused on small scale studies, including computer-based random number generators that cough up a stream of 1s and 0s. "The experiment asks the person to try to influence the output of the random number generator without using any physical force - to make it appear to create more 1s than 0s. It's trying to affect something, that should behave randomly, to make it behave non randomly. Then they use statistics to try to measure if there's been any effect. And if there is an effect it's only detectable statistically and it bears little relationship to the sort of feats you see on TV."
Meaning if you want to manipulate the minds of others using your incomparable psionic powers or, perhaps more realistically, learn spoon-bending telekinetic skills, you should probably just develop an incredible sleight of hand instead? "Yeah. Go and learn how to be a magician, then you'll be able to do it every time...[the magician] James Randi has conjuring expertise and he was able to demonstrate how easy it is to fool journalists or talk show hosts with seemingly paranormal feats." (As an aside, Randi has made it his mission to expose spoon-bender extraordinaire Uri Geller as a fraud, regularly showing live audiences how Geller's supposedly telekinetic feats are down to simple trickery.)
There you have it. While you might not be able to clear traffic on the M25 or sabotage an enemy's astral form, you could impress a few people at a house party. If your friends are into bent cutlery, that is.
QUICKSILVER
SUPER POWER: BEING REALLY FAST
Wouldn't it be great if you could ditch public transport and just leg it to work in a flash? Imagine: no more rush hour, nor more delays, no more 'the wrong sort of leaves on the track'. If Quicksilver worked in an office, he'd never be late and he'd probably knock off early to boot.
So what can the regular office drone do to reach this pinnacle of physical performance? Could you get to a point where your legs would be the fastest form of transport? To seek out these answers, I got in touch with Joseph Van Der Merwe, a personal trainer and strength and conditioning coach.
Tell me Joe, could a regular guy increase his speed with, say, three months of sprint training?
"That's impossible to quantify. There are too many variables. Literally so many variables."
Okey dokey. But speed training does work right, providing you're not a total wasteman when it comes to actually doing it?
"Yes, absolutely."
So what do you need to work on?
"You'd need to improve range of motion, your maximal strength, your speed strength, tendon stiffness, acceleration and velocity mechanics."
And even if you did all that, you wouldn't even come close to Quicksilver. You probably wouldn't even come close to beating your bus to work - although you might have a better time running for it when it hurtles past your stop on a cold November morning.
WOLVERINE
SUPERPOWER: BEING A MAN, WITH THE POWERS OF A WOLVERINE
I was hesitant to include Wolverine in this article because the thought of a 'Wolf Expert' filled me with images of Kevin Costner, The Wolf of Wall Street, and Wolf from Gladiators which are, if I'm honest, all things I hate.
Even so, my dedication to content flows untrammelled across the internet, so I attempted to get in touch with The UK Wolf Conservation Trust, to see if they could advise you, dearest reader, on becoming more wolf-like in your approach to first world problems. Sadly, accurate representation is of utmost importance to the Wolf Trust, so they asked me to email before they could give any sort of comment. And I'm afraid I don't have time for that.
On top of this, and after I hung up the phone, I realised that a wolf is a completely different animal from a wolverine. One is a pack animal of the canine family, the other is a sort of solitary, double-hard super-weasel that can take down a moose despite being the size of a small dog. So, unless you dedicated your life to being an unrepentant killing machine, you'd have no chance of even coming close to a wolverine.
It was with this phone call that my extensive research ended for the time being. Alas, I feel it worth concluding that the answer to my original question - at least for now - is a conclusive 'no'. That said, I shall continue to bother experts across the land in the faint hope I may eventually find a superpower that can be easily achieved. And, my fellow lads, I will report back with my findings as and when they come.
If my quest to date has inspired you to watch X-Men: Apocalypse - and I can't for one second believe it hasn't - then you're in luck. Because here's the link for you to buy the movie. You're welcome.
WORDS BY: JACK BLOCKER
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