Everyone knows that French is the naughtiest language there is, hence the phrases 'pardon my French', 'excuse my French' and 'sorry about my French, you fucking c***'.
However, what many people don't know is that Spanish comes a close second, with some of the spiciest, sauciest, naughtiest rude words out there. Oh my.
Luis Fonsi's hit song 'Despacito' is mostly in Spanish. It is also the most-streamed song of all time. That's right, not one song streamed in the 17th, 18th, 19th or 20th centuries was streamed more often, mostly because streaming didn't exist.
However, it appears Spanish speakers have been very sneaky (or non-Spanish speakers just don't speak Spanish) because 'Despacito' is very, very naughty. Por qué? Have a little read of the translated lyrics below:
Yes, you know that I've been looking at you for a while
I have to dance with you today
I saw, that your look was calling me
Show me the way that I'm going oh
You you are the magnet and I'm the metal
I'm getting closer and I'm setting up the plan
Just the thought of it accelerates the pulse
Now I'm enjoying it more than usual
All my senses are asking for more
This must be taken without any trouble
Read in English, this bit isn't particularly naughty, just a bit shit. Imagine [insert famous popular UK artist here] singing, 'You are the magnet and I'm the metal'. It'd sound cheesy as fook. What's next?
Slowly
I want to breathe your neck slowly
Let me tell you things in your ears
So that you remember when you're not with me
Slowly
I want to strip you off with kisses slowly
Sign the walls of your labrynth
And make your whole body a manuscript
Turn it up turn it up..... turn it up, turn it up
Getting a bit creepier now, but more 'awkward teen trying to do dirty talk on demand despite actually being really nice and not feeling comfortable doing dirty talk'-style creepy.
I wanna see you dance
I wanna be your rhythm
I want you to show me
Your favourite places places places places
Let me surpass your danger zones
To make you scream
And forget your name
Congratulations. By using the words 'let', 'me', 'surpass', 'your', 'danger' and 'zones' one after the other, you have successfully crafted one of the creepiest sentences songdom has ever seen. Also, tekkers for using the word 'surpass' in a chart smash (do people still use the word smash?).
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But there's more:
If I ask you for a kiss, come give it to me
I know that you're thinking about it
I've been trying for some time
Mommy this is giving and giving it
You know that your heart with me makes you bom bom
You know that this baby is looking for my bom bom
Come test my mouth to see what it tastes like to you
I want to see how much love do you have
I'm not in a hurry, I want to do the trip
Let's start slowly then wildly
Bit Freudian.
Step by step, soft softly
We are going to get caught little by little
When you kiss me so skillfully
I think that you're malicious delicately
Step by step, soft softly
We're going to get caught, little by little
And it's just that this beauty is a puzzle
But to put it together here I have the pieces
I am probably not going to incorporate 'malicious delicately' into my Tinder speak.
Slowly
I wanna breathe your neck slowly
Let me whisper things into your ear
So that you remember if you're not with me
Slowly
I wanna strip you off with kisses slowly
Sign the walls of your labyrinth
And make your whole body a manuscript
Turn it up
"Make your whole body a manuscript"...? Who said romance is dead?
I wanna see you dance
I wanna be your rhythm
I want you to show me
Your favourite places
Let me surpass your danger zones
Till I make you scream
And forget your name
Slowly
We will do it on the beach in Puerto Rico
'Til the waves scream 'dear lord'
So that my seal stays with you
Again, the 'surpass' line, always a winner, but I'm loving the final three: "We will do it on the beach in Puerto Rico / 'Til the waves scream 'dear lord' / So that my seal stays with you"
The Puerto Rico bit is very formal. It sounds like Alan Partridge arranging sex. I'm loving the second line because the 'dear lord' makes the object of Luis' affections sound like a Songs of Praise viewer, not a woman in the throes of passion. As for seals, leave them out of this. They are innocent.
And finally:
Step by step, soft softly
We're going to get caught little by little
I want you to show me
Your favourite places places places places
Step by step, soft softly
We're going to get caught little by little
To make you scream (Fonsi)
And forget your name (DY)
Slowly
Bit of an anticlimax there. But in fairness, with all the above, I'm sure climax hasn't been an issue.
Naughty Spanish!
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Words: Ronan O'Shea