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Is Noel Edmonds A Part Of The Illuminati?

Is Noel Edmonds A Part Of The Illuminati?

The question on everyone's lips.

Josh Teal

Josh Teal

Featured image credit: @AdamMenzies

It's a sad day for Britain as Channel 4 has decided to discontinue legendary daytime game show Deal Or No Deal. The show that has no strategy but whose contestants become hysterical and guilt-ridden over mere bad luck. The show that has a theme tune completely unrelated to its over-exaggerated tense game-play. The show which platformed UK legend Noel Edmonds in all his naff-patter, naff-bearded glory.

I was never a huge fan of Deal Or No Deal. I think the last time I watched it was to see the boyfriend of some girl who slapped me across the face in Year 7 after I called her a panhead walk away with a cool £25,000. However, I appreciated what it meant for its devotees.

What I'm interested in though, is the perhaps hidden truth to the show's demise. A few months ago, my half-wool, half-lizard mate contacted a de facto Illuminati which boasted Noel Edmonds amongst its members.

Was it a bullshitter behind the 'Illuminati'? Yes. Was the hypothetical shout that Noel Edmonds was in the real one bollocks? Maybe not.

For those unaware, the current incarnation of the Illuminati is an alleged and elusive organisation that seeks to revolutionise the planet with a 'New World Order'. Essentially. But the name crops up more or less as a explanation for anything crooked that happens in the world. The secret society apparently even has a celebrity membership that includes the likes of Beyonce and Jay Z.

Say it was real, it would make sense to employ megastars like the Carters to manipulate the world through subliminal messaging. Noel Edmonds on the other hand... I'm not so sure would make the cut. I mean for one, he didn't co-write 'Crazy in Love'.

Image: Getty

The only possibility is that Noel is apart of some smaller, British branch of the Illuminati. One that intends to enlighten pensioners during the weekdays into thinking Deal Or No Deal needs to be played out in forty-five minutes and not two. One that drinks Boddingtons at its quarterly reviews and swung Sunderland to vote Leave.

In my eyes, the chief qualification for Illuminati membership is to hold ludicrous beliefs. Edmonds in this respect, would certainly qualify. Back in June, he claimed one man's cancer was a result of a negative attitude. Vaun Earl had initially shunned Edmonds previous comments about curing his own prostate cancer with a yoga mat by tweeting: 'I think Noel Edmonds should stick to what he's good at. Presenting quiz shows and beard trimming, rather than curing cancer.'

Edmonds replied: 'Scientific fact-disease is caused by negative energy. Is it possible your ill health is caused by your negative attitude?'

And then there was the EMPpad, the machine he claimed help tackle cancer. 'Yep tackles cancer!'

This is generally more 'Scientology' to me, but is still batshit, thus bolsters a potential Illuminati membership.

Perhaps his most thinly-veiled moment though, came when he said he wanted to buy the BBC. Noel Edmonds, a man with a trimmed beard more ridiculous than George Michael, wanted to overhaul ever aspect of the BBC which he said was 'sleepwalking to disaster.'

Talking to the Sunday Times, he said: 'During numerous meetings I have held over many months, in many countries, wealthy individuals, international investors and business people experienced in corporate rescues all acknowledge that there is a business model that would save the BBC.

Image: Getty

'Believe me, these people can make it happen. If ailing British companies such as Rolls-Royce, Land Rover, British Airways and Cadbury can be turned around, there is still hope for the BBC.'

Now that, surely, would be paramount Illuminati-thinking. But why vocalise that? Why pitch it to the public? If you were a part of this secret society, you'd already have control over this institution. Not just that, but Channel 4 too. And government. The E.U. The U.N. You'd have stopped the senseless killing of Harambe. It doesn't add up.

The jury's still out on this one, lads.

Words by Josh Teal

Photoshop genius: Adam Menzies

Featured Image Credit: