Featured image credit: Paramount Pictures
There's a lot of things in life that you can't fully prepare yourself for.
A zombie apocalypse hits, what do you do? You probably don't know, because you've never given it any thought. Similarly, a nuclear apocalypse hits, what do you do? Again, you haven't got a clue.
One thing that can be prepared for, but rarely is due to the fact that you never expect it to happen, is an awkward boner. When it hits, panic ensues, the world starts spinning, and all of a sudden that Mr Krabs meme becomes reality.
A lot more fearsome than a nuclear or zombie apocalypse, an awkward or unexpected public boner needs to be prepared for.
In school (don't deny it, you all had at least one at school) it was easier. Conceal it under the desk, don't move, don't touch it, don't do anything but think of your dog, your nan, or a totally non-sexual image to stand your soldier down.
There's many techniques that have been explored over the years, one being the Waste Band Flip.
Brought to the mainstream by Jonah Hill's character in Superbad, Seth, the Waste Band Flip requires you to tuck your unexpected erection underneath your belt. Typically, if you have an elastic waste on your shorts or joggers, it's a lot more comfortable. However, comfort isn't necessarily the priority here. The more uncomfortable you are, the quicker it'll go down.
There's always the chance that when on public transport, your mind will wonder. As your mind is relaxed, the rickety and bouncy bus or train may send some vibrations to your genital and gouchal area.
This, as we have all probably experienced, leads to a hard time. Literally.
While sat down in public, though, it's easy to hide. If you have a book, a bag, or an object big enough to lay on your lap, without it looking weird, do it.
"But what if my stop is next?", I hear you ask. Well, for that dire situation, apply the sore stomach technique.
You will look like a bit of a clown, but wouldn't you rather bend over slightly, thus pushing into the depths of your pants, than people see you've got a lazy lob on? I assume it's the former.
Simply crouch over clutching your belly, letting out a few groans, pretending you've been hit with a flurry of stomach cramps.
If that isn't your cup of tea, though, there's always the Pocket Push method.
This requires fairly deep pockets. All you need to do is slip your hand in, grabbing your phallus from the inside of your pocket. Push it against your leg, usually your inner thigh is best.
If you are an eccentric kind of guy, you can always get away with the erratic movements to hide your boner. Similar to the Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm-Flailing Tubeman on Family Guy, throw your arms about, kick your legs about, get your groove on. Maybe disguise it as a dance for a local busker on the high street.
At the end of the day, there's not a lot we can do to help it, because once it's coming, it's extremely hard to stop.
Prepare yourself by always having these in mind - you can't go far wrong.
If you have your own awkward boner concealing technique, let us know.
Words by Mark McGowan
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