As someone who's recently begun using Tinder, I have to admit that it's incredibly intimidating. You go on and you're faced with potentially thousands of blokes and all that's standing between you is a mutual right swipe. You set up your profile, you think about your bio... and boom. It's out there.
The thing is, the dynamic on Tinder for women compared to men is ridiculous. I've spoken to my male friends and they've told me they swipe right on EVERYONE. No matter whether they think they look like their 'type' or not. In the words of my colleague, Sam: "The fisherman with the biggest net catches the most fish."
This is weirder to me than the thought of Donald Trump getting an all-over body tan.
As a woman, you're faced with thousands of potential matches, but also thousands of potential arseholes. You don't know if you're going to end up splashed all over the Internet because one of these blokes is going to use Eminem lyrics to make you look like a prick. You don't know if you're part of a drinking game. And, most importantly, you don't know if they've swiped right on you because they're playing a numbers game. This is why it's SO INFURIATING when a lad's bio says: 'If we match, message me first'. How about no. What if I'm just an accidental swipe?! Message me first. I'm picky.
It occurred to me that a lot of men have no idea what goes through a woman's head when she's using the dating app. Plus, I've seen some God-awful profiles and I think it's time I told you all how to avoid the dreaded 'left swipe' and tally up those matches.
AVOID THE GROUP PHOTO
Yes, I know. It's great when you look good in a group photo and it shows you're sociable. But in my own experience, I give each guy about 0.5 seconds before I decide whether to swipe right or not. If you look interesting, I might read your bio. But if you've got a group picture as your main picture, that's going to be a no. I'm not playing Where's Wally.
Plus, girls have a bit of a saying... 'it's always the ugly one!' I'm sorry, but it's true. We do say this. So just bite the bullet and choose a picture of you on your own. And don't do that weird thing where you blur out everyone else's faces with an emoji or a scribble. It just looks messy.
FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY, DON'T JUST PUT UP A PICTURE OF YOUR CHEST
This is the worst kind of profile there is. The chances are that you've not only been left-swiped, but also screenshotted and sent into a group chat. Where's your face?! What do you look like? There may be some people who swipe right on this - I get that. But the vast majority are going to think you're a conceited arsehole.
Yeah, you've got an incredible body. Well done. But if you think that's enough to rack up the notches on your hypothetical bedpost then you're sadly mistaken. If you have to include it, put it in as your second or third picture. Trust me. I'm here to help you.
DOGS ARE GREAT, BUT YOU ARE NOT A DOG
I feel like everyone in the world has heard that if your Tinder picture has a dog in it, you're more likely to get swiped right. To be completely fair, this is true. If a guy has a dog who's looking lovingly at him then I'm approximately 100 percent more likely to swipe right. But I feel like some guys have taken this advice far too literally.
Luv, you're not a dog. At least I hope you're not. Actually, I hope you are. That means you've learnt how to use mobile phones and communicate. Good boy. The alternative is that you're a grown man with a puppy as his main profile picture.
As you can see from the times between both the above screenshots, it took me less than a minute to find two guys with dogs as their main photo. Please, don't do this. If we want to see a puppy we can go to the rescue centre and get our own or search 'cute puppies' on YouTube.
MAKE SURE YOU INCLUDE A PICTURE
You might say that this is a pretty obvious point to make. You might even say: 'What are you smoking?! It's a dating app, of course people are going to include a picture'. Well, you'd be sadly mistaken.
Just look at this...
I only included two screenshots because, let's be honest, once I've blurred the names out they look exactly the same. But these kind of profiles are prolific on the site. It's actually a bit of an epidemic.
I wonder if anyone ever matches with them, or whether they set up a Tinder account and forgot about it. Do they ever get matches?! Maybe some girls look at it like a lucky dip/mystery box.
Credit: 20th Century Fox
It could be the man of your dreams, it could be Piers Morgan. Life is a rollercoaster, right?
AVOID THESE KINDS OF PROFILES LIKE YOUR LIFE DEPENDS ON IT
I can't even really describe this. The only way I can think to call it is 'overly sexual profiles with no substance whatsoever'. I saw a profile once which was just white text on a black background that said: 'WILL PAY £100 TO LICK A VAGINA'. As you can imagine, that money paid for several rounds at the pub that week.
In all seriousness, don't be this guy. No-one's into it.
Urm... honestly. There's more of them than I care to include.
I get it. It's a bit suggestive. But if there's not a picture of what you actually look like included somewhere, you're just going to come across as a creep. I'm sure you're a nice guy, so please. Just use a selfie.
DON'T SAY 'NO-ONE EVER TALKS ON HERE'
Yeah, some people you've matched with may not have spoken back. I understand your frustration. However, for a woman who's just come across your profile for the first time, this weird kind of reverse psychology just makes you look bitter.
DON'T USE SNAPCHAT FILTERS
Even ironically. It just looks like you want to use one but don't want to admit it. It looks a bit strange when a grown man looks like a golden fairy princess or a cheetah. Plus, we know what the 'pretty filter' looks like, even though it doesn't have any really distinguishing features. You're not going to look like that in person.
Here's a couple of our lads at work, posing for us.
Credit: Tinder
Yeah, we're all guilty of using Snapchat filters. I get that. But save them for Facebook or, you know, Snapchat.
DON'T INCLUDE 'NO FATTIES' OR 'NO GIRAFFES' IN YOUR BIO
Yes, I have seen this. And okay, fair enough, you're not going to get any tall or slightly overweight women swiping right. But you're also not going to get any other matches either. It's awful. You sound like a terrible person. To be fair, you probably are.
Don't do it.
YOU MIGHT LOOK GREAT IN ONE PICTURE, BUT WHAT ABOUT THE REST OF THEM?
If I see a guy who looks really nice, and his bio's spot on, but he's only got one photo, what do I do? Left swipe. I'm sorry, but you might be a catfish. Or there's literally just one good photo of you in existence. OR this photo is from years ago and you look completely different now. Include at least three.
IF YOUR PHOTO INCLUDES A PASSED OUT TIGER, IT DOESN'T MAKE YOU LOOK GOOD
Even if you bio says 'the tiger wasn't sedated!!!!', it definitely was.
HERE'S SOME STUFF THAT WILL WORK
- Don't take yourself too seriously
- Include some fun pictures on your profile
- Make sure your face is visible
- Spell everything correctly in your bio (it puts a lot of people off. Run it through Microsoft Word if you have to)
- Smile
- Be respectful
- Don't be a creep
There you go, lads. Avoid all of the main points and sprinkle in a few of the above bullet points.
You might not be everyone's cup of tea, but at least you're not going to get left swiped because of an easily avoidable social faux pas.
Happy swiping.
Featured Image Credit: PA ImagesTopics: Dating, Sex and Relationships, Social Media, Tinder