Bike Thief Submits Entry For Being P***-Ripped For The Rest Of His Life

There's never been a British TV show to match the American classic of "America's Dumbest Criminals". That's not to say that we lack for dumb criminals - quite the opposite - just that we've traditionally not had the good grace to stick them up on telly before.

That said, Twitter is a mine of internet morons and we might well have found our own dumbest criminal (of the week, at least) in the form of this character in Blackburn.

"Do you recognise this man who clearly cannot ride a bike..." tweeted Blackburn with Darwen police. "An orange Calliber Bossnut mountain bike was taken from Go Outdoors in Blackburn on Monday."

The video was taken at the Go Outdoors shop in Blackburn, which is nice in that the name of the shop describes what the man in the video was trying to do.

Perhaps there's also a shop called "Make a Tit of Yourself", presumably sandwiched between "Earn A One Way Trip To The Nick" and "Gain Momentary Internet Celebrity Before Being Denounced As An Idiot For The Rest Of Your Natural Born Life".

Ever think I should take up marketing?

The good people of Go Outdoors didn't seem too bothered about their shop becoming the filming location for Britain's Thickest Thieves, with nary a mention of the incident on their social media feeds.

(Incidentally, can someone make a show called "Thick As Thieves" that is a compilation of stupid criminals from all over the UK. It has everything a proper TV show needs: comedy falling over, dubiously punning title, being able to laugh at morons. Very cheap to make, we could do it in a pub car park.)

The British Transport Police Lancashire chimed in to have a jovial knockabout laugh with their fellow rozzers from Blackburn with Darwen police.

"The crime aside, that is rather hilarious!" wrote one of their social media bods, Dax. "Hopefully the bike will be returned to the @GOoutdoors store in good time. ^Dax:joy: #Blackburn #BikeStolen @LancashireHour @Blackburn_BID @LanpacLtd @StolenBikes_UK @BTPCleland @CalibreBikes"

Let's unpack that for a moment.

Firstly, the long winter nights along the East Lancs Road must just fly by as Dax and the gang swap social media bants with other forces. I wonder if Greater Manchester Police sometimes chime in, with Merseyside Peelers kicking a LOL or two for good measure.

Secondly, who is following the hashtag #BikeStolen? Are they expecting the bike to be returned now that the thief knows that footage is out there? Do bike thieves routinely check Twitter in the fear that their tumble on the way out of Go Outdoors Blackburn was noticed by CCTV, shared by the local filth and then made viral by trending news sites?

Would they wear that as a badge of honour or suddenly cack their pants? I guess we'll never know.

Featured Image Credit: Blackburn with Darwen Police

Mike Wood

Mike Meehall Wood is a freelance journalist and translator. He writes for LADbible, VICE and countless sports publications, focusing on rugby league, football and boxing. He is a graduate of Leeds University and maintains a fizzy pop obsession. Contact Mike at [email protected]

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