I'm at the stage in life where the best thing to look forward to when having sex is the need to quench your thirst after and get a cup of tea.
The Yorkshire Tea blend is a particularly pleasant one after the act of intercourse - Twinings' selections are just a bit too niche to truly enjoy. You want something full-bodied, dark in colour and rich in flavour, a 'well done, lad, you're done your duty this month' cuppa.
Usually the actual act itself is just a collective bunch of groans and moans, usually put on, and a mutual feeling of disappointment thereafter.
Apparently I'm (and no doubt millions of you) not getting the mood right. Women like to hear certain things more than others and can really take the sexy time to the next level.
This lad knows what to say. Credit: HBO
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As part of a 5,000 person questionnaire from Forktip, people were asked what they most wanted to hear in the bedroom and the top one is perplexing.
The thing women most want to hear is some kind of variable of 'I'm the daddy'.
Vexed. I'm terribly vexed. Why would anyone want to hear such stuff when they're in a moment of synergy? Ladies, please explain in the comments why you think that is a turn on, AT ALL.
Other things they like you to say are lines such as complimenting them on how tight their vagina is, and a simple one, saying how much you are enjoying it.
This lad got in wrong, got his throat slit. Credit: 20th Century Fox
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The survey also asked what 'kinky things' couples most like doing together. Apparently anal is up there, along with sex toys and talking dirty.
I talked dirty once. Was livid that the other half came into the house with her shoes on. Mud on the carpet. It was a nightmare getting that off.
They survey also asked what people find physically attractive and it's very predictable, so enough said on that.
Do not go gently into that good night. Keep ploughing on, calling yourself the daddy. There's a cup of tea waiting for you at the end of the tunnel.
Tyrion has a way with the ladies. Credit: HBO
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So talk dirty, compliment the tight squeeze, talk about daddies and say you're enjoying it. I've got your back, lads.
I shall try all these lines with my numerous sexual partners that don't actually exist.
Donald Trump, however, is showered with love and affection. So much so that it really takes the piss. Tweet him and ask what gets women started.
Other tips...
Here's some more help for you in general. Don't sleep in you boxers as you'll have inferior spunk, and don't do what this guy did, which involved him accidentally sleeping with his wife's twin sister.
That'll never work out well.
Featured Image Credit: Bwark Productions