Gardener Is 'Upset' At Needing To Repair Lady-Shaped Bush As People Keep Trying To Have Sex With It
A retired art teacher who crafted a privet bush into the shape of a naked lady outside his home says he's fed up with drunken louts simulating sex with 'her'.
I mean, what did he really expect? We're just shocked she's still got her necklace on.
Pensioner, Keith Tyssen, has been carefully trimming the hedge outside his Georgian terraced-home into the shape of a tastefully nude lady since 2005. That's 13 entire years of preening. We'll give him 10/10 for effort.
But some people just don't quite appreciate his work because the 84-year-old says he has been continually awakened in the early hours of the morning by 'lowlifes' trying to straddle Gloria.
Sorry, did we mention the bush is called 'Gloria'...?
Three-dimensional metal designer Keith, from Sheffield, South Yorkshire, said: "You get drunks publicly undressed and having fun with her in the middle of the night.
"I've been awakened many times - mainly by men and sometimes also by women messing about with her and making a lot of hysterical noises."
Former art teacher Keith came up with the idea for Gloria - who he named after a local prostitute (I'm not making this up) - while teaching at the city's former College of Arts and Crafts.
I suppose we should probably just gingerly brush over the fact that Keith named his bush after a local prostitute, eh?
'Gloria' was one of several ladies of the night that artist Keith often saw wandering his own Georgian street nestled right next to Sheffield's busy night-life.
He added that he was not 'deeply acquainted with the real Gloria', and once again, that's our cue to cheerfully skip ahead.
Keith has described his frustration with people approaching Gloria and claims the drunken antics are damaging her shape and looks. Remember, it did take 13 years for him to get to this stage. We'd probably be pretty pissed off too.
He said the first time he noticed someone mimicking sexual moves on her was about three weeks ago. Come on now, guys, what did he expect would happen? Seriously.
He said: "I heard a noise outside my window at about 4.30 in the morning and there was a man making moves by climbing on top of her and moving her legs as if he was having sex with her.
"It's offensive and appalling and is damaging her figure - privets don't respond well to being manipulated like that."
So he's really serious about this then.
"It's changing the shape of her legs and thighs and it's annoying because I spend a lot of time trying to keep her in good order.
"I don't particularly want to spend any more time doing it."
Keith explained he hadn't planned a naked lady when he started manipulating his hedge and that Gloria simply developed from a previous idea. So what was the previous idea if it wasn't a naked lady?
He said: "I started by doing a figure of a monster which was headbutting a lamp post at the end of my garden and then it developed into this monster defending a maiden."
Hang on, what?
He continued: "She developed slowly over two-three years - it was quite fun really.
"The lady came out of my love for visual invention - it's just a creative thing I enjoy messing about with."
Divorced father-of-four Keith said he decided to gift Gloria with some plastic mock-pearl beads to give her a 'morale boost' after her recent ordeals. Bet she's really glad she's got them around her neck now, y'know, drawing more attention to her and all that.
He said: "There were two incidents in one week and I thought she looked a bit messed about so I put the beads on to give her a morale boost. I'll always try and keep her going."
Keith, who helped to design Sheffield Train Station's impressive Cutting Edge sculpture, has not reported the incidents to police for fear of reprisals.
We reckon Keith could defend himself from any repercussions - maybe with the help of good old Glozza.
Featured Image Credit: SWNS