Joe Harker
People are absolutely loving a pilot who sounded so done with his passengers in his message to them before the plane had even taken off.
You know the drill, the pilot tells you over the tannoy that they'll be flying your plane today, any other information you need to know about your journey and to be nice to the crew.
However, one pilot had clearly been on one flight too many where that wasn't the case, as he launched into a hilarious speech which was brimming with 'so done with this bulls**t' energy.
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That's maybe not the vibe you want from a pilot, but as they're flying you across the world, the least you could do is behave yourselves for them and not make anyone else's lives harder.
"Remember, the flight attendants are primarily here for your safety. After that they're here to make your flight more enjoyable," was the opening of the message and it sounded pretty reasonable in the beginning, though things were about to get weird.
"They're gonna take care of you guys but you will listen to what they have to say because they represent my will in the cockpit or in the cabin, and my will is what matters."
"Be nice to each other, be respectful to each other. I shouldn't have to say that, people should treat people the way you want to be treated but I have to say it every single flight because they don't, they're selfish and rude and we won't have it, okay?"
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This was by no means the end of the pilot's message to the passengers, he was just getting warmed up, and things started to get a little bit weirder the more he talked.
He said: "Stow your stuff, get it out of everybody else's way. Put your junk where it belongs.
"Everybody paid for a space, don't lean on other people, don't fall asleep on other people, don't pass out on other people or drool on 'em unless you've talked about it and they have a weather assisted jacket."
"Alright, a little bit of fatherhood here, the other thing. The social experiment on listening to videos and talking on a cellphone on speaker mode, that is over. Over and done in this country."
"Nobody wants to hear your video. I know you think it's super sweet, it probably is, but it's your business, right? So keep it to yourself. Use your air pods, use your headphones, whatever it is that's your business. Ok, it's just part of being in a respectful society."
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Okie dokie, actually a fairly understandable message if slightly dictatorial, but they are the person in charge of the plane and they've got a special hat and everything.
But wait, there's more, as the pilot still had a very important issue he wanted to cover before they set off, that of the ownership of armrests for the middle seat occupant.
The pilot then said: "Middle seaters, I know it stinks to be in the middle, raise your hands, raise them up. Anybody in the middle? Like five people, yeah, right, that's full."
"Alright, nobody's listening, fine. You own both armrests, that is my gift to you."
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Now we've hit the end of the pilot's speech, and since it was posted online, people have been praising them for just how damn right they are about the plethora of topics they decided to touch on.
One person said the 'middle seat armrest comment should be made on every flight', while another declared 'this guy f**king gets it', and you know if someone says you 'f**king get it' they really mean it.
Others said it was 'sad that this needed to happen' because 'people god damn lost their minds', which might help remind you that for every weird warning sign you see, there's a reason it had to be put up there in the first place.
Anyway, happy flying and remember that the middle seat occupant owns both armrests, the pilot said so.