"Losing James was the most heart-wrenching moment and darkest day of my life. It was so preventable because all he needed to do was just communicate his feelings."
Regrets about his brother's hesitance in opening up before he took his own life were fresh in Harry Wentworth-Stanley's mind, as he talked to me ahead of 'Row For James'. Beginning from San Sebastian in the Canary Islands, he and three close friends are rowing unsupported across the Atlantic as part of the Talisker Whisky Atlantic Challenge, finishing at Nelson's Dockyard English Harbour in Antigua in the West Indies.
Having set off the day before the tenth anniversary of Harry's brother's suicide, their aim is to raise £300,000 for the James Wentworth-Stanley Memorial Fund which was set up by his parents following his tragic death.
A 21-year-old student, James was studying Spanish and Business at Newcastle when he committed suicide in the lead up to Christmas 2006. "I sometimes kick myself that I was as close to him as anyone yet I missed that he was feeling out of sorts," said Harry. "We did everything together and we spoke about girls, football and all the of silly things, but actually the important things like how he was feeling, I had no idea."
James Wentworth-Stanley who sadly took his own life ten years ago. Credit: Row 4 James
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James' mental health deteriorated after undergoing an operation on an enlarged vein on one of his testicles. Despite assurances from doctors that the operation had been successful, he became increasingly worried that it had been one of the one-in-a-million surgeries that go wrong.
Like an estimated 41 percent of men who take their own life, James failed to confide his problems in those around him. Instead, he became increasingly anxious, culminating in him committing suicide at his father's house in Worcestershire. Family members were only able to piece together his mental anguish after it was too late.
Harry looked up to James as anybody does to a brother four years older. Remembering the tragedy, he told me how he wished his brother had felt able talk to him in the lead up to his suicide. "He was a typical 'shoulders back, chest out' bloke, so he could never have brought himself to admit that he was suffering because it didn't align with his character," he said. "But there would have been absolutely no shame in that whatsoever."
Reflecting on the pressure men often feel to stay silent about their problems, he added: "Actually I think showing emotion as a man is a show of strength, because we're so often told to have a 'stiff upper lip' and 'just crack on' and to put the issues to one side rather than confront them."
The boys talking about the row, ahead of the challenge. Credit: Row 4 James
Remembered as an adventurer who was 'most at home in the wild', the team chose the task because it would 'live up to the memory of James and keep his spirit alive'. Harry is joined by close friends Rory Buchanan, Sam Greenly and Toby Fenwicke-Clennell as they row the 3,000 miles across the Atlantic. Only Rory had any previous rowing experience when they began training a year ago, and even that was just from when he was a schoolboy.
To this day, more people have climbed Everest, reached the North Pole or ventured into space than have successfully rowed the Atlantic. The voyage is still considered to be one of the toughest challenges on the planet and the year of preparation meant training six days a week, as well as fundraising and sorting logistics, alongside their 9-5 jobs.
When I talked to Rory, who met Harry when they studied and lived together at Leeds University, he said he thought they were up to the challenge after a year of tough preparation. "We did a six-day training exercise on the North Sea in June or July. It was brutal but the thing is, if you keep going and keep your body moving then it's challenging you to get into the swing of it."
The team will row the entirety of the journey in twos, facing the ocean for 'two hours on, two hours off' in non-stop shifts and they hope to complete it in 40 days. Having had a year of preparation, the team feel confident they will make it through the journey.
The team trained for a year, ahead of the row. Credit: Row 4 James
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"We purposely rowed into some pretty big storms, because if you're doing a training exercise you want to have as difficult an experience as possible," said Rory. "The main thing is that if you stop for more than two hours your body starts seizing up, so it's better to just keep the blood pumping."
The journey will mean missing the New Year and Christmas. The team will only get a chance to talk to family back home on Christmas Day, via a satellite phone intended primarily for navigation.
As well as the toll on their physical health, I asked how they were prepared for the mental struggles of being in isolation on the sea. "Everyone has their own ways of dealing with stuff, some of us are more vocal, some people go quiet," Rory explained. "But what it's about is that when we go through those tough times when we're out there, we're able to get through it by having a chat and having a laugh. It's a cliché but it's teamwork that's key to getting through it."
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The feeling that the team will only be able to get through the toughest parts of the row by working together is one Harry stressed, too. He says he sees parallels between the team work that will be needed to complete the trip, and the cause they are supporting.
"We're four very good mates and the only way we're going to get through it is by looking out for each other," he said. "If one of the boys is having a tough day, it's the others who have to rally around them and get them through it, which is exactly the same as how it should be day-to-day when we're looking out for our mates and being a support for them."
Over £400,000 has already been raised for the James Wentworth-Stanley Memorial Fund in aid of suicide prevention. To find out more and to donate to the cause, see their Just Giving page.
'U OK M8?' is an initiative from TheLADbible in partnership with a range of mental health charities which will feature a series of films and stories to raise awareness of mental health.
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Explore more here and don't suffer in silence. Reach out. It's the brave thing to do.
MIND: 0300 123 3393.
Samaritans: 116 123.
CALM: Outside London 0808 802 5858, inside London 0800 58 58 58.
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