If you've clicked on this article, then it's safe to assume that you're either into BDSM, looking to go into that area or you're just curious. Well, you're all welcome. It's Valentine's Day and there's going to be a lot of sex tonight, so why don't you spice it up safely?
Let's start with the basics. BDSM stands for Bondage & Discipline/Domination & Submission/Sadism & Masochism.
For many people, BDSM includes an element of pain. But why is this? Surely pain is the last thing you'd want when doing a pleasurable activity?
The thing is, endorphins are released during painful experiences as well as pleasurable ones. Stress and pain can also stimulate the serotonin and melatonin production in the brain, which transforms painful experiences into pleasure. The release of epinephrine and norepinephrine in pain can also cause a pleasurable 'rush'.
Have you ever had a sore tooth, and you've just pushed it with your tongue and it hurt, but also felt kind of nice? Well, that's what I'm on about.
BDSM has become a kind of 'umbrella-term' for a wide range of sexual activities. The communities generally welcome anyone whose tastes fall outside 'vanilla' sex. So if you like hair-pulling, spanking, choking or even have a rubber fetish - you can get involved.
I recently spoke to Slave Teagan, author and community educator, to get her advice when it comes to introducing BDSM into the bedroom.
She said: "Starting in the bedroom begins with having open and honest communications with your partner. What is titillating to you, and listen to what your partner wants as well. Go lite, and only do what you talk about and agree on and nothing more. As both partners become more comfortable and experienced more can be added.
"I also like role playing if that is something that is of interest, it allows each partner to experience the mindset of power and control without remaining their beyond a short time. Always follow up with a conversation afterwards. This is a learning process by which you build trust and interest. This can not be achieved without checking in."
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So how should you begin? Slave added her own top tips:
1. Use the internet to find real time groups and organisations or events
"You should especially look into those organizations and events that have an educational component. Even if you are just starting out in the bedroom because a certain percentage of people who start out in the bedroom express some form of power exchange in their relationship."
2. Explore the 'whys' behind your interest
"It may not seem sexy but it will pay off when searching for a partner."
3. Be real in your communication with current or future partners
"If you are not comfortable with who you are and what you want/need it will make it hard to connect with others who want the same."
4. Determine the extent of your interest
"If this is something your want full-time, make sure your potential partner wants the same."
5. Don't be afraid to explore various roles
"This applies to both SM and power dynamic relationships with safe and experienced partners."
6. HAVE FUN and explore your sexuality.
"When we look at ourselves more completely we stand a better chance of personal and sexual fulfillment."
She makes some valid points, if you're not 100% sure what you want, it's better to explain that to your partner so that you can explore them together. The alternative is forcing yourself into doing things you may not want to do just to please your partner. And no-one wants that.
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YOUR STORIES
I decided to reach out to you lot, and ask for your tips and stories from when things haven't gone all that well.
She was sitting on my thighs...
"I once was tied to the railing headboard part of a bed years ago. Was all erotic. Girl hadn't really had much power in the past. So it was fun. However she was sitting on my thighs. Decided to run her fingers down my sides which in turn tickled like fuck. So I tensed and instinctively my legs bucked catapulting her into the wall behind the bed with some force.
"As well as bending the cheap bars of the bed. I couldn't even do much to apologise bollock-naked and tied down. It's all fun and games until the wall is face-planted and there's plasterboard everywhere."
He was pounding away like a medieval flour-maker...
"I was going out with the hipster lad who liked Mumford and Sons (not a fan myself, but went along with it). He was into light BDSM so he tied me up with his fluffy dressing gown cable. All good so far.
"Anyway, he was pounding away like a medieval flour maker then we heard the front door go. One problem with fluffy dressing gown cables - THEY ARE FUCKING HARD TO UNDO QUICKLY.
"There's me in blind panic trying to get these fucking dressing gown cables undone before his mother comes in so see me with a throbbing stalk-on to the strains of Little Lion Man. I swear to God, it was like facing The Cube. I got dressed quicker than a contestant in Stars In Your Eyes."
I was nervous and she was wriggling, so I accidentally cut too close...
"I was seeing a girl for a while and she liked to be tied up and whipped. I loved it at first and being a super dominant big guy it felt great. She was only petite. But I had to draw the line. It was okay with hands, belts and paddles, but one day she asked me to whip her bum with the side of a knife then when it was red raw she wanted me to cut across.
"I was down for anything but I don't fuck with cutting people, that's a 'Patrick Bateman vibe'. Eventually, after a couple of weeks' persistence I gave in and did it. But as I was nervous and she was wriggling I accidentally cut too close to the actual butthole and she just leapt up and yelped.
"I was just sat going 'Oh my God, I'm so sorry I didn't mean it, you told me to', but she was not happy. She text me the day after saying: "it hurts to poo, you prick" or something to that effect. After that the relationship kind of fizzled out. I have put a ban on blades altogether now."
I also asked for tips from you lot in general, and they kind of all centre around the same theme - communication.
COMMUNICATION/CONSENT
The best system to implement is the RED and YELLOW/AMBER communication method. You don't necessarily need a 'safe word' like 'bananas' or 'jigglypuff'. Dave* said: "Safe word is essential. Yellow to stop and discuss. Red to STOP."
Jen* agreed, saying: "If I'm starting to get to my limit, I'll say 'amber' or wave my hand (we very rarely use this though) and if I reach my limit, I say 'red' or tap him twice and everything stops immediately."
What Jen* mentioned regarding non-verbal communication is really important. If you've got a gag in your mouth, or you're being choked, you probably aren't going to be able to shout out 'red' at any point. So simply communicate with your partner and let them know that if you tap them twice, it's time to stop. Or if your hands are tied, it could be a foot tap. Just throw out a few suggestions with your partner and see what happens.
She added: "Once, my partner choked me so hard, I couldn't even lift my arm to tap out. Thankfully he noticed I had started to become unresponsive and stopped. That was absolutely terrifying for me because I came round and had no idea where I was. He was literally in tears thinking he had really hurt me. I was fine but that is something to bear in mind for beginners - things can go wrong and you need to make sure you have plans in place and check in with your partner."
KNOW WHAT EACH OTHER LIKE
You might be really into bum stuff, your partner may not. You may love golden showers, your partner may think of that as the stuff of nightmares. Don't spring something on your partner without having their consent beforehand.
KNOW YOUR OWN STRENGTH
Make sure you have a good level of self control. If your relationship dynamic is Daddy Dom/little girl (DDlg), or slave/master or any kind of domination, make sure you start off easy. Especially with discipline. If there's slapping/choking/hair pulling, the best advice I can give you is to start slow. Let your partner ask for it to be harder, rather than you initiating a certain level of force without knowing how it'll be received.
THERE'S A THIN LINE BETWEEN BDSM AND ABUSE
Charlie* explained: "It's easy to get worked up in the moment but there is a very, very fine line between BDSM and straight up abuse. Good example would be if either party is into choking.
"Search for some tips on the right technique and make sure you are paying attention. That could be the difference between super mind blowing orgasms, and super mind-blowing manslaughter charges
"Make sure you enjoy it. Don't force yourself to do something you don't enjoy, just for the sake of your partner. Make sure everything you do to each other is 100% consensual too."
AFTERCARE IS IMPORTANT
Jen* explained: "Aftercare is SUPER important. It can be really hard for a 'vanilla' person to experience BDSM, especially if any of it is considered 'degrading' in vanilla world. I used to love it when my boyfriend called me names in bed (whore, slut, cunt, etc.) but it was often hard to come out of that mind frame after a session.
"A lot of cuddling, 'I love you's and other nice things were needed. That also went for when we used pain toys, such as paddles and crops, or when we used anything to tie me down. It makes you feel very vulnerable, which is a massive turn on for me, but it is very important you 'come down' off it properly."
CHECK OUT THE WEBSITES
There's plenty of advice and communities out there who are more than happy to give you advice. It's nothing to be ashamed of, simply get on your laptop and Google away. You'll be surprised how easy it is to become part of the community.
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PRACTICAL TIPS
Joey* gave his top tips regarding the practical aspect:
1. If using tape or rope always have a pair of medical scissors on hand.
2. Have a discussion before-hand concerning no-go areas or limits.
3. When choking either flip your hand upside down or squeeze the sides of the throat, never apply pressure to the front of the throat.
4. Never put anything up a butt that doesn't have an ring or a stopper on the end - I'm looking at you cucumber, as, once it's in it's not coming back out (I know of a old man who lost a marrow up there and had to have it surgically removed)
5. When spanking, avoid all contact with the spine, spanking best practice is to hit the softer lower part of the buttocks. That way the vibrations travel to the genitals as well.
6. When pulling hair, ensure you have as much hair as possible in your hand. Grabbing only part of the hair will result in uneven pressure distribution across the head, which can be very painful.
7. Check that your partner is not allergic to any lube you plan on using unless you fancy dealing with a vagina that looks like an angry papaya.
8. If you're using condoms, make sure that the lube is not going to dissolve them.
Slave Teagan summed it all up nicely: "Unequivocally, I would avoid relying on works of fiction and the internet for all of your SM and PX information. In addition, I would avoid making assumptions about what your partner wants and needs from these SM experiences.
"Communicate often and both should be active participants. If you are a dominant partner, don't assume you have the right to do whatever it is you want just because you got a tentative 'okay' from your partner.
"If you are submissive don't assume that the dominant partner is the only one responsible for the outcome of any encounter/ relationship."
So there you have it... happy Valentine's Day everyone. Have fun.
*Names have been changed
Featured Image Credit: PA ImagesTopics: Sex, Valentines Day, Valentine's Day