How Much Money You Make While Pooing At Work

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It's a well known fact that, as lads, we love a good work time shit.

Your best bet is to let it build up, spending a good 20 minutes on the throne, happily wasting away a bit of time instead of doing work.

Another way to look at it, which you may never have previously considered, is that the time you're rightfully taking out to empty your bowels is still time you're getting paid for.

Dave England, star of Jackass and self proclaimed 'professional shitter', was basically paid for doing stuff like pooing on a miniature bathroom, using his arse as a poo volcano, and just generally being able to poo on command, literally meaning he was living the dream: being paid to poop.

Credit: Movieclips via YouTube

But, if you think about it, whenever you poo at work, you're kind of doing the same thing. It's simple to work out how much you make while pinching one off.

If, like me, you have no idea how much you make per hour, take your annual wage and divide it by 365.

Then, work out how much you make per hour by dividing that figure by however many hours you work per day. To make it simpler to work out, divide that by 60, finding out how much you make per minute, and then times that by however long you've spent shitting. That's how much, in pounds, you make every time you take a dump.

Typically, on a good day, I'll get a 20 minuter in. This could come in the form of two ten minute sessions, four five minute squeezers, or a solid full twenty; usually better if it's the latter.

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Applying this to the 'formula' above, I can make anywhere between £2 and £2.50 every time I drop the kids off at the pool. Extend this to something that we'll call a yearly defecate pay, I accumulate anywhere between £600 and £700 annually just sitting on the big white telephone.

There are a few apps that you can download that will document this for you - a simple search of 'work poo' will throw up a few options. Alternatively, there's a desk top site that will help you out with a timer, and a 'poop calculator', call Work Poop.

Go on, work it out.

Words by Mark McGowan

Mark McGowan

Mark is a journalist at LADbible, who joined in 2015 after a year as a freelance writer. In the past he blogged for independent football fan channel Redmen TV, after graduating from Staffordshire University with degrees in journalism and English literature. He has worked on campaigns such as UOKM8? and IIOC.