Listen, we've achieved something. According to a new study, 'millennials' are the most useless population on earth. A round of applause for all of us, please.
The Educational Testing Service (ETS) conducted the research by comparing literacy, numeracy and 'problem-solving in technology-rich environments' skills.
Now, I feel as if the word useless has been misused, with 'misunderstood' being the correct term. Yes, millennials may not be the most pro-active bunch of people, but we've created an environment where you can feel like you've achieved something from the comfort of the toilet seat.
The study was conducted in America, but the results are pretty transferable, because we're all bottle necked into the same I-don't-care-about-anything-other-than-my-iPhone group.
As 'useless' (as generations before us will label us) as we are, there are several things we do really excel in. I'd like to know of any other generation who has as much dedication to the sesh as millennials do. Yeah, the '60s was 'groovy man', and the '70s saw the rock 'n' roll lifestyle really kick off with The Rolling Stones, The Beatles and The Who, but, answer me this: Have you ever seen anyone do a keg stand, pissing into a cat litter tray across the room while others incorrectly recite the lyrics to 'Don't Stop Me Now' by Queen prior to 2000? No, I don't think you have.
"These findings hold true when looking at millennials overall, our best performing and most educated, those who are native born, and those from the highest socioeconomic background," the study says. "Equally troubling is that these findings represent a decrease in literacy and numeracy skills for U.S. adults when compared with results from previous adult surveys."
I personally think that our numeracy and literacy skills are really being played down here. I mean, we completely understand the ridiculous increase in the prices of pints, and therefore have adjusted ourselves to be able to count up how much one needs to end the night with a pile of sick beside their bed and left over pizza in the fridge. Do not doubt us.
One thing we should be criticised for, though, is the glorifying of avocados. 'God's butter', can absolutely do one. I don't know why it's popular. For the most part, it is tasteless, right up until the aftertaste leaves a faint swab of shit at the back of your throat.
Let's forget that our millennial generation, in comparison to others, is more aware of major social issues, better educated, independent and entrepreneurial, determined to achieve beyond the norm, always aiming to stay informed, and is insatiably connected to technology and the world in which we live.
Above all, though, I think it'd be nice to be remembered as the generation who strove to achieve as much as possible, while doing as little as possible, effectively achieving nothing at all, but still wanting credit for the effort...
Featured image credit: PA