In what seems like an Alan Partridge sketch gone supernova, a man has allegedly severed his genitals on a railing.
Unfortunately for the unnamed Russian geezer, Lynn was not there to come to his aid and the spike didn't pierce his foot. As previously stated, it went through his nadgers.
His intentions are unknown, however it has been reported that he attempted to scale the fence while drunk, which was never going to end well.
Luckily, unlike Partridge, the fella didn't have to muster the courage to head to a presentation while bleeding profusely. Instead, he wormed his way off the spike, leaving a good chunk of his manhood behind, and made his way to a local hospital in south west Russia, the Daily Mail reports.
In a grim alternative to what his pissed mind no doubt envisioned - a heroic jump into a poetic vault, mimicking urban Parkour wannabes, before landing via an epic swan dive - he lessened his chances of having kids by 100 percent. He also needs new jeans.
Such was the severity of the incident, many locals rushed to the aid of the man, helping him on his journey to hospital. Oh, wait, no. That's not right. They rushed to take pictures of the severed penis, which hung from the spike in Kuznetsk, Penza Oblast.
"The man said no-one else was involved in the accident," a Russian police officer told Progorod58, a local news website. "He impaled himself while climbing over the metal fence."
Eurgh. Let's just watch the Partridge sketch, shall we?
Credit: BBC/I'm Alan Partridge
It could be worse. Actually, I don't know; it's debatable whether the following incident is worse, just as bad, or slightly better - last year, one man from Honduras gave all his love to a homemade sex toy, which was literally just a plastic bottle, but ended up getting his penis stuck in it for four days.
Unfortunately for the 50-year-old, who didn't bother to seek medical help for obvious reasons, he was told he'd have to his manhood amputated.
The ghetto sex toy turned man trap caused his middle stump to get necrosis, which is a type of injury which causes cells to die. When rushed to hospital, with the bottle still attached to him, his penis had began to decay and had turned black. His penis died. Ouch.
RIP both of these guys' members.