This autumn, a horde of sex-crazed spiders are looking for somewhere to get it on and they've decided that your cosy home is the place to do it.
The seasons have theoretically changed, although right now it seems like they can't quite make up their minds as to what they want to be doing, as in the past week we've bounced from the hottest day of the year to torrential downpours.
Nevertheless, autumn is upon us and it's only going to get rainier from here on out. This means that all of the bugs that were enjoying being outside will be looking for a roof over their heads, and they'd quite like to have yours whether you like it or not.
Among the bugs eyeing up your home as their shelter from the rain are spiders heading into mating season, and when it comes to finding a spot to raise the kids, Mrs Spider would prefer to have your roof over her head.
Advert
That means Mr Spider is going to be crawling into your house in search of a mate, which is really bad news if you're an arachnophobe.
If you want to avoid creepy crawlies from sneaking into your home to make the beast with two backs and 16 legs this autumn, then there's a few tips to help you drive those sex-crazed arachnids away.
Clean up your garden
Before they get into your home these sex-crazed spiders have first got to find themselves near it, and if you clear out your garden of spaces they might like to shelter, it'll be a big step towards prevention.
Advert
Spiders like to take refuge wherever there's cover, which can mean piles of freshly fallen leaves in the autumn or pretty much anywhere you think a spider might be lurking.
Trimming back plants that are touching your home could also help as spiders might crawl from a branch to your windowsill, and before you know it, your home has become the site of a spider orgy.
Don't make it easy for them inside
Spiders will want to slip in through any windows and doors you've left open, so keeping those closed is handy. However, some spiders will likely get through your first line of defence.
Advert
Once they're inside they'll try to find a cosy spot to spin their webs and they'll probably do it away from your direct gaze.
Cleaning up the clutter in your home will help deprive the eight-legged intruders of easy spots to lurk, while cleaning those hard to reach spots can be handy too as spiders can get to places you can't.
Start some fires
Upon seeing a big spider in your house your first instinct might be to burn the whole place down in a blind panic, but you only need to set fire to a little bit of it to put the spider off.
Advert
Getting yourself some scented candles with smells that spiders find unpleasant can help convince arachnids that they'd be better off boinking and raising the kids in your neighbour's house.
Spiders don't like smells of citrus or cinnamon, so if you're a fan of those scents it might be time to make merry with the matches and light up some candles.
Harness the power of mother nature
I know we just said you should cut down on hiding places for spiders by trimming back plants, but in addition to citrus and cinnamon, spiders also dislike the smell of mint and lavender.
Advert
Sticking some of these plants in your windowsill can put off spiders who are thinking about crawling into your home to have sex.
On the plus side, people tend to like the smell of mint and lavender so it's a win-win for team human - though don't stick them too close to the scented candles.
Make yourself a weapon
While sticking a planter of mint in the windowsill will help dissuade spiders from getting in, once they're inside your house you might want a more portable weapon to take with you.
Mixing a bit of peppermint oil and water in a cleaning spray bottle can help you take the fight to those sex-crazed spiders.
No matter where they're hiding, they won't be beyond the reach of your trusty spray bottle. We already know that spiders hate the smell of mint, so it'll really convince them your home isn't their own personal sex den.
Just remember that spiders catch and kill all sorts of other pests so be aware that forming an alliance with the arachnids could be to your benefit in the long term.
And with that, you now have the tools to make your house a sex-crazed spider free zone - good luck friends.
Joe Harker