Big news! Morrisons, the supermarket chain responsible for Ravel Morrison, Morrissey and Morris dancing (possibly), has a huge announcement in the world of hot food.
It's only gone and made the hottest curry under the sun, which the retail chain used for inspiration, because the sun is well hot. Hotter than Magaluf in August. Hotter than an angry grill pan. Hotter than sticky toffee pudding straight out of the microwave. That hot.
In anticipation of Britain's National Curry Week (which is every week, but fine), the supermarket is releasing what it calls the hottest supermarket curry ever made in the UK.
Those Gordon Ramsay wannabes have obviously never left any supermarket microwave curry in for 30 seconds too long and then had their tongues burnt to cinders, leaving them unable to taste anything but fire, smoke and regret for days afterwards.
The new 'Volcanic Vindaloo' is so hot because it contains Naga chillies, which are two hundred times hotter than a Jalapeño, and probably a lot nicer than just eating two hundred of them, which would leave you with a sore arse, hallucinations and the world's most embarrassing sick note from work/school.
Naga chillies have been used in the past to develop tear gas grenades. That's how hot they are. They come from North East India and Bangladesh, where locals sometimes eat them as a raw side dish. Hardcore. They're similar to Ghost Pepper and measure between 1,000,000 and 1,598,227 SHU on the Scoville scale, which is a system of measurement used to determine the hot, hot, hotness of chillies. In short, this LAD wouldn't stand a chance.
And he might end up feeling like this:
It's debatable whether a curry used to make tear gas would taste good. To date, I've not met anyone who said, 'Um, yummy, that tear gas was nice'. But Morrisons' new curry is aimed at the heartier curry fan, who looks at a Chicken Tikka and considers it an insult to the word curry and an affront to spicy food, someone looking for a culinary challenge when it comes to tea time.
The store hopes the new Volcano Vindaloo will match the heat of a restaurant Chicken Vindaloo, and worked with a team of curry chefs to create a dish that is blow-your-socks off hot while still actually tasting of something. It's topped off with whole green chillies just in case you hadn't punished your senses enough already.
Morrisons Ready Meals Expert, Sean Gill, said: "Curry fans have been telling us that they just don't get the fiery heat they want from ordinary ready meal curries. So we decided to take up their challenge and create the hottest ready meal in the country - something with the extreme heat you get when you order a Vindaloo in your favourite restaurant. We're looking forward to hearing what they think."
The 'Volcanic Vindaloo' is available from all Morrisons stores, for a limited period, priced at £1.50.
All in all, it sounds like Morrisons has successfully come up with a restaurant-like experience you can recreate while sat in your slobs at home in front of the telly. But one question remains; would Keith Allen like it? Me thinks yes.
Words: Ronan O'Shea
Featured Image Credit: Morrisons