​Man Takes Loads Of MDMA Before Stealing Boat Because 'The Swans Don't Judge Me'

You think your mate's a bit of an idiot when they steal a traffic cone, or try to fall asleep on the bonnet of a car, or struggle with a back flip when they're fucked. Yeah, we've all had messy nights - but then there's getting fucked on MDMA, stealing a swan boat and getting stranded on an island in the middle of a lake.

Credit: WFTV

Keith Thurston was found sitting on a fountain on an island in the middle of Lake Eola, Downtown Orlando. A modern day Robinson Crusoe, right? If Robinson Crusoe was as high as a kite - the 36-year-old said he had taken a whole ton of MDMA, which will explain, well, pretty much everything.

His mode of transport to get there? A swan boat, of course - which he said he took on a joyride because swans don't judge, apparently. He took the boat to the fountain, clambered onto the island and let the boat float away - leaving him well and truly stranded.

"Before Thurston was transported [to the hospital] he explained he ingested a large quantity of Molly (MDMA) and wanted to be with the swans because they didn't judge him," officers wrote in an incident report, according to the Orlando Sentinel.

Credit: WFTV

Oddly, we've always thought of swans as being pretty judgy. Go anywhere near their kids and they'll assume you want to kill them and start attacking you.

They've got the protection of the Queen, too, the snooty bastards. Give them the wrong look and they'll hiss. Or is that geese? Fuck knows, but the moral of the story is that we think swans are, in actual fact, pretty aggy.

Credit: WFTV

We'd say Keith could take the top spot for the stupid antics we get up to when we're fucked - but he'd also have to beat the guy who broke into his neighbour's house to save their family dog from a fire... Only it turns out there was no fire, and that he was just tripping balls.

"He believed that the residence was on fire. And he was rescuing the dog," said Trooper Mark Cepiel, Troop G Spokesperson.

"He drove over yards and through the fence. At no point was he on the roadway. And no illegal substances were found in his possession."

Troopers say Orchard was very cooperative. Developers say they've already ordered the victims a new door. And the dog was unharmed. However, Orchard was charged with second degree burglary and third degree criminal mischief and put in county jail on $15,000 (£11,200) bail. Luckily, though, he managed to avoid drug charges.

Yeah, this one's a toss-up.

Featured Image Credit: WFTV

Jess Hardiman

Jess Hardiman is a journalist who graduated from Manchester University with a BA in Film Studies, English Language and Literature, and has previously worked for Time Out and The Skinny among others.

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