You wouldn't think a polite warning could be mistaken for a bomb threat, but it turns out it most definitely can, as one man in Wichita, Kansas, USA found out:
I say polite, there's only so polite you can be when talking about shit, but still, it's better to warn the next in the queue to 'give it five minutes' then just skulk off and leave them to choke.
The man in question was clearly fit to blow, and made other customers in the toilet at Wichita Home Depot aware of the severity of the situation. However, one bloke overheard his warnings and misinterpreted them as bomb threats.
He said: "We just had a customer here made what may have been a bomb threat.
"He said, uh, somebody told me there's a bomb in here and you need to leave the building. He said it three times."
Police rushed to the scene and quickly set about investigating the source of the threat. However, after some digging, police established that while somebody did threaten to blow up the toilets, it was not meant literally.
Police said the man's exact 'threat' to others in the toilet was: "You all need to get out of here because I'm fixin' to blow it up."
Another toilet user told police he heard the man's warnings and laughed, but clearly someone else took the man's explosive shits gravely serious.
Whether the fire brigade had to be called to put out said shit is not clear.
Police eventually tracked down the brown bomber and it became immediately apparent the situation had all been one big misunderstanding.
So on the one hand, it was a huge waste of police time, but on the other hand, this is surely the best case scenario any police officer can hope for when called out to a bomb threat.
The lesson to take away from this is that in this day and age, we must all be less cryptic when it comes to ferocious faeces warnings.
Gone are the days of: 'I'm gonna blow', 'I'm gonna drop a bomb' and 'My arse is fit to detonate'.
Now we must say: "This shit is going to be an absolute state, audible and smellable to all of those in this public toilet immediately. It is advisable that you all leave with haste if you do not wish to spew. I am sorry for the inconvenience caused. I will not buy a lukewarm fish pie from a petrol garage ever again."
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