​This Is The Sexiest Strawberry You’ll Ever See

Look, when people show you fruit and veg that resembles rude body parts, it's often only ever mildly amusing at best. A red pepper with a growth that looks like a miniature penis! A misshapen carrot with two mounds that look vaguely like a pair of tits.

You're forced to muster a polite snigger, but really you couldn't give a shit. We've all been there, we get it.

But this one's different. This one truly is special.

This one, friends, is fruitiest piece of fruit in the game.

Credit: Twitter
Credit: Twitter

Yes, this strawberry genuinely might be the sexiest strawberry the world has ever encountered - which was a sentence I never thought I'd catch myself saying.

She could give the Kardashians a run for their money over on Insta, because the ass selfie game here is stronger than all five (six? Seven? IDK) of theirs put together.

Khloe and Kourtney Kardashian with sister Kendall Jenner. Credit: Khloe Kardashian/Instagram
Khloe and Kourtney Kardashian with sister Kendall Jenner. Credit: Khloe Kardashian/Instagram

This strawberry goes to the gym six days a week (she lives for squats, obviously), and takes a photo in the mirror afterwards posing with a smoothie - no berries, of course, as she would never want to lap up one of her own; she normally goes for an apple, ginger and carrot number, with a peanut butter protein ball if she's feeling fancy.

The photo gets 10,000 likes within a matter of minutes.

At weekends the strawberry and her friends like to drive down to Malibu for some downtime - but this often spirals into two days of white wine and frozen margaritas on some random dude's yacht. The tequilas come out at sundown, as do the Boomerangs on Instagram Stories.

They have no regrets for their #baddecisions, because none of them have real jobs where Mondays are a painful, sobering reality.

Instead, the strawberry lounges around her condo in a velour tracksuit, occasionally crouching down to the floor to greet her bichon frise, Coco. Coco looks up at her and yaps as a signal for food, but the Strawberry merely calls her 'cute' and slinks off.

She takes a selfie and flicks through the filters for 45 minutes, before eventually posting one to social media. Sadly, she spots Coco doing a shit on the floor in the background, which totally ruins her brand, so has to delete it.

FFS, Coco. Credit: PA
FFS, Coco. Credit: PA

One day she forgets to include #ad on a sponsored post with Fiji Water, which sends her followers into a furious meltdown. They feel hurt that she hasn't been transparent about things, and they decide to boycott her.

After losing several thousand followers, the strawberry decides it's time to post another ass selfie - the best one yet, as she's vacationing at a spar resort in St Bart's at the time and there's an infinity pool nearby.

For some reason, this seems to regain people's trust, and she regains her followship.

The record-breaking egg. Credit: Instagram
The record-breaking egg. Credit: Instagram

Just to cement the Insta-fame, she starts dating the record-breaking egg. Together, they go on to break the internet - and, against all odds, their babies turn out to be frickin' adorable.

Featured Image Credit: Twitter/@GoldQaashin

Jess Hardiman

Jess Hardiman is a journalist who graduated from Manchester University with a BA in Film Studies, English Language and Literature, and has previously worked for Time Out and The Skinny among others.

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