Did you lose anything on New Year's Eve? Wallet? Phone? Or just a sense of who you are?
All of these seem relatively insignificant by comparison to an unopened letter discovered in a nightclub during the wee hours of New Year's Day.
The letter was discovered by cleaners hidden among piles of debris on the dancefloor in Pryzm, Nottingham. The front of the envelope read 'Josh x (open at midnight)'.
Unable to resist, staff at the nightclub opened the envelope and read the letter inside.
The staff were shocked by the poem inside. Credit: Triangle News
To their shock, the letter contained a poem from a woman called Sarah, announcing that Josh had got her pregnant - and he should have 'stuck it in her bum'.
The full Wordsworth-esque poem read:
"'Special' is what I'll call the last few years,
"I'll be collecting you later after you've had a few beers.
"There's a reason I couldn't come with you tonight,
"I've asked for this letter to be given to you at midnight.
"I hope when you read this you'll be filled with joy - the question is, girl or boy?
"Happy New Year, I hope you've had fun,
"Maybe next time baby, stick it in my bum.
"Love, Sarah XXX"
Sarah chose a novel way to break the news. Credit: Triangle News
Sounds like you've got yourself a right David DeGea there Josh - a proper keeper.
Presumably quite surprised by the contents of the letter, the nightclub have since shared it on Facebook in a bid to find out if Josh knows the big news.
The post read: "Our cleaners have just finished cleaning after NYE and have found this sealed envelope. We've just opened it and now we need to know, does Josh know?! "
The post has since been shared more than 13,000 times, though it is unclear whether the letter has reached Josh.
It goes without saying that people have gone right ahead and shared their own theories about what happened.
The cleaners did well to find the all important letter amongst all this shite. Credit: Triangle News
One Facebook user said: "Josh has resealed that envelope and ran away #prayforjosh"
Another said: "Plot twist: Josh never received the letter and hooked up with another bird and hasn't been home since #justiceforsarah"
Others questioned the rationale behind the reveal modus operandi.
One person said: "I personally would not write a letter for my man to read announcing my pregnancy while he's smashed at midnight.
"I'd wait until he's hungover af and watch him spew his guts up after I told him the next day."
But what exactly did happen? Was Josh too pissed to open it? Was the person tasked with giving it him too pissed to deliver?
Or, alternative plot twist, do Josh and Sarah even exist?
A club in Halifax has since shared the same letter on their Facebook - are they piggy-backing on Pryzm's viral success, or are neither to be believed?
It's the mystery of 2019... so far.
Featured Image Credit: Triangle News