An American man has been sentenced to a year of probation after he was found guilty of a 'lewd and lascivious act' in which he repeatedly tried to penetrate the tailpipe of a car.
OK, so there are about a million places that it would be better to stick your penis - and that's taking into account the fact that he didn't actually have to stick it anywhere.
However, 24-year-old Ryan Scott Malek decided that he absolutely had to penetrate the exhaust of a car on 1 May earlier this year.
In fact, so intent was he on this course of action that the police eventually had to taser him and take him to hospital in order to stop him.
Credit: Newton Municipal Court
As if you need telling this, but he was heavily intoxicated at the time of the incident. By intoxicated, I mean he was four times over the legal limit to drive. Which, to be fair to him, he wasn't trying to do.
Well, he wasn't trying to drive in any traditional way. Maybe he knows something we don't.
On top of his one year of probation and his trip to the hospital, he was also ordered to pay a $200 fine.
Ryan Malek. Credit: Facebook
In all honesty though, Ryan Malek is a rank amateur compared to Edward Smith, from Washington. Smith is a self-confessed 'mecaphile'.
Know what one of them is? Nah, me neither.
Well, Smith says that is someone who is sexually attracted to cars, and he says he has had sex with more than 1,000 cars.
Oh, and an attack helicopter. Don't ask me how, because I don't know. Use your imagination.
He explained: "Some guys look at boobs and bums on beautiful women. I look at the front and rear on beautiful cars.
"I go a little bit beyond appreciating the beauty of a car, to the point of what I feel is an expression of love.
"I write poetry about cars, I sing to them and talk to them like a girlfriend.
"I'm not sick. Cars are just my preference."
In this case, the word 'explain' seems fairly insufficient.
At his peak, he was apparently fucking at least one car a week. Now, however, he prefers a more monogamous lifestyle and limits his affections to 'Vanilla' - a Volkswagen Beetle that he's had for more than 30 years.
He continued: "When I hold Vanilla in my arms there's a powerful energy that comes from her.
"I would say it is extremely satisfying but at times a little melancholy because I know she cannot talk to me. But overall, I know she feels what I feel and its intense.
"If anything was to happen to her I would be more than heartbroken."
Sure mate, but you could always take 'her' to the garage.
Featured Image Credit: PA