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We Asked Some Prolific Shitters How They Kill Time On The Bowl

We Asked Some Prolific Shitters How They Kill Time On The Bowl

Unbelievable.

James Dawson

James Dawson

Featured Image Credit: Getty / Twitter (@aaronobrien95)

I have an uncle who has a reputation for having some pretty weird toilet habits.

Well, actually, when I say 'some', really there's just one thing that sticks in my mind. And when I say 'toilet habits' I'm talking specifically about how he goes about killing the time when he's shitting.

We all know taking a crap can take anything from 30 seconds up to a quarter-of-an-hour. Sometimes it's simple and easy, but sometimes it can be time-consuming, frustrating and a lot of hard work.

And, like a lot of people, my uncle is known to take a newspaper in to the lavatory to pass the time when he's having a poo on his lunch break.

However, that's not all he's known to take in with him. When he's feeling peckish he'll also take in a pork pie and a packet of cheese and onion to apparently sustain him whilst he relieves his bowels.

Some would say he's a dirty bastard; others would argue he's just being time efficient. When I told my colleagues about this, one of them said that the thought of somebody shitting and eating made her want to throw up.

But it got me thinking about what other stuff people get up to whilst you're exorcising your turd demons. That time on the bowl adds up over the course of a lifetime. So, I decided to ask you lot what weird habits you have...

Alec, a prolific Scottish shitter, told me he'd invented a game to pass the time whilst he dishes the brown stuff into the bowl.

"I like to strip whilst I'm shitting and see if I can throw my clothes into the wash basket," he told me. "I invented it when I was about to have a shower but suddenly had to let out a large one.

"So, to save time, I stripped down while sitting and shitting. If I got all items of clothing in the basket, I felt a feeling of accomplishment. So now I do it whenever nature calls."

"If I miss, I'll usually grab a nearby shower mat, or something I'm still wearing, to drag it back and try again. I've considered taking a stick in to make it easier to get the clothes. But I decided against it as the humidity would eventually make the stick begin to rot."

Fair enough, mate. I'm not going to lie, that's pretty weird. But I guess as long as nobody walks in on you and has a massive 'what the fuck moment?', then we'll never know.

Christopher, a 28-year-old lad, said that he's so addicted to Football Manager that he has to take it with him to the john.

"If I'm playing and need to go, then I don't see a reason to pause," he said. "To avoid germs, and because there's nothing to rest the laptop on, I hold it in one hand, akin to the way a waiter would hold a tray above his head."

"I do what needs to be done then lay the computer down either on the floor or the edge of the bath (hoping it doesn't fall), and then wash my hands and leave with computer...and hopefully another three points in the bag!

"I'm less addicted to it now, but I used to be on it all the time. My mum always tried to get me out the house, but I was either close to winning a league or cup, or saving myself from relegation."

To be fair, we've all been there with Football Manager. There's nothing like trying to get a team in the Conference to become Champions League winners. That said, I've never been that into it that I couldn't take a short break to have a dump.

Finally, there was one guy, Aaron, who took preparing for a long shit to the next level. He sent in this photo...

Image Credit: Twitter / @aaronobrien95

He added: "Was having a hangover poo so knew I'd be longer than usual, decided to get the rod out and cast into the bathroom pond to pass the time. Usually takes a least 10 minutes for me to lay a turd so need to make it interesting."

Well, that's a mental image I'll never get back.

We also heard from you guys saying you use the time to work out your biceps and wrists, browse social media and, obviously, catch Pokémon on Pokémon GO.

A lot of you also got in touch to say you spend your time browsing through TheLADbible site whilst you're crapping too. So, if you're reading and having a shit right now, shout out to you!

Words by James Dawson

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