Like bare-knuckle boxer, drug kingpin, or millionaire playboy, stripper is a profession that's always fascinated me.
Ever since I walked into a strip club while playing GTA San Andreas, I've had questions. How do you get into it? What goes on? What is it like to seductively remove your clothes for paying punters? When I recently became one of those punters, I tried to find the answers to these questions.
First, a little context. Following a series of confusing events, a mate handed me the number of a stripper in Liverpool. Given my curiosity, I figured I should try to ask her about her job. She said yes, but with some stipulations: It has to be in person, in the strip club and there can't be any bullshit. Fair enough.
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So the next weekend, I headed to the club.
Before I could even say a word, I was taken to one side while my mates spoke with her. Long story short, they were all chipping in to buy me a 'special treatment'. When I found that out I was buzzing, "special treatment, here we fucking go". How wrong I was.
My shirt was ripped off, I was dragged around the dancefloor like a dog, whipped with belts, made to drink a pint out of my own shoe, and I had ice poured down my crotch and my boxers wedgied clean off.
After I'd recovered I told her she owed me an interview (and a proper dance). She obliged and requested that her name be left out. We'll just call her Penelope.
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TheLADbible: Thanks for the Special Treatment, Penelope. First things first, how did you become a stripper?
Penelope: I was working as a glass collector in a nightclub and there was an opening for a dancer, you know, like on podiums and stuff? So I tried out for that and got it.
One night this guy came up to me and asked if I'd be interested in dancing at the strip club he managed. At first I didn't like the idea, but he gave me his number and asked me to think on it. He said it would be really good money.
After a few days, I realised that there's no shame in being a stripper. It's just another form of entertainment. I wanted the money too. So I gave him a text and he had me come in and audition.
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I got it the job and the other girls trained me up.
What made you change your mind about 'the idea' of stripping?
Well, it's not that bad really is it? I was dancing in bikinis and stuff in a club anyway, with loads of people groping at me, I may as well go one further and make more money with less clothes on.
Fair enough. And is it good money?
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It's excellent money. More than you'd think.
I'm guessing there's a lot of dirt you could spill on people when you work in a strip club?
Obviously. There are a lot of people who come in every day. Some are regulars and just fancy having a lap dance. But you'd be surprised at the amount of married men who come in by themselves. I know I shouldn't but a lot of the time I look at their ring finger, just to check.
Usually, they've come in because, being married, their sex life isn't that exciting anymore and they just want another girl grinding on them. Others come in because they're a bit sleazy.
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There are really weird creepy types who tend to come in and just sit there, not actually having a dance. Just sipping on drinks and looking at the girls. It's a bit unsettling but you have to put up with it.
What other kinds of people do you come across?
There's always a group of overly drunken lads who come in for a birthday or stag do. They think that just because they've slipped you £20, they own you. They don't understand that they've paid that money to sit back, relax and watch, not to put their hands all over me.
I can't kick off unless they're being totally out of order. But when you say hands off, they get angry, saying they've paid. You've paid for a bit of my time, I'm not a fucking prostitute.
There's also, I don't really know how to label them, let's just say 'virgins'. They sit there wide eyed and you can tell they're not used to this kind of contact. It's cute, the innocence of it, but it's quite funny when you feel the lump in their pants growing. I've had a few accidents now and again, too.
What kind of accidents?
You can guess.
I guess I can. Does the job affect your social life?
Yes and no. I still have all my old friends and my family don't look down on me. They all know me as 'a dancer', which I am. I'm making good, honest money, I'm not selling my body, I'm just using it to its potential.
Sometimes it's hard to hold down a relationship. You go for dates and stuff and it's alright, but when it comes to being honest and explaining your job they get a bit weird. At first some really like it, they're like 'oh my god I'm going out with a stripper'. But after a while most of them just can't take the fact that I'm leaving them in the evening to go and dance on another lad's lap.
I'll go out with you?
Your time's up, mate.
If I had a pound for every time I heard that. Thanks for speaking to me, Penelope.