A few months ago, I tried making it on OnlyFans and made f**k all. But after sharing my embarrassing exploits with the world, I went on to reach the top 11 percent of content creators on the site. Watch a video summarising the pre-enormous success era here:
When I originally set up shop on the content subscription website, the end goal was to produce a somewhat enlightening article and hopefully make a few quid. As such, my mission was 50 percent successful, at best, and once the article was out there, I considered this raunchy chapter in my life closed.
Advert
But it wasn't over, because by the following lunchtime, I had 40 odd paying fans and spaghetti hoops on my t-shirt (I spat them out in astonishment, in case that wasn't clear).
The fan count continued to grow over the coming days, and before I knew it, I'd passed the 100 mark. For unlike my OnlyFans account, the article went far and wide, reaching French shores and even a Scouse banter page, where my failure evidently tickled model Danielle Lloyd.
At the risk of sounding like Alan Partridge, I had the last laugh, reaching a peak following of 154 fans - which placed me in the top 11 percent of creators, according to the site.
Advert
Now, given that people (mostly attractive women) are reportedly making massive amounts of cash left right and centre on the site, I was a little confused as to how I'd reached the Premier League of OnlyFans creators with a fanbase of 150 or so. Presumably it means that for every person making millions, there are loads more making barely anything. I asked OnlyFans to provide a breakdown of how it calculates these percentiles, but the company declined - which I thought was a little fishy.
Regardless, I was happy that my account - @jaaakethesnaaake - now had a following; but it quickly became clear that said following had signed up for one thing and one thing only - the snake.
While I made it clear in the article that the snake was staying in the basket, this didn't stop my newfound fanbase from trying to charm it out. Some were quite polite about it, such as the fan who messaged me saying: "Don't feel pressured into it, if you do it, make sure it's because you want to."
At the other end, was a fan who DM'd simply: "Hey son of b***h, send a d**k pic."
It also quickly transpired that almost all of my fans were gay men - though one said he was 'not gay', but rather an appreciator of 'nice c**k'.
Advert
I wasn't sure what to make of becoming a gay icon over night: did I appeal more to homosexual men than heterosexual women, or was it that men of any sexuality were more likely to subscribe to OnlyFans accounts?
I did have at least one female fan who said she signed up because of the 'bald head, beard and promise of a big snake'.
She - like many others - did not renew her monthly subscription after I failed to satisfy her requests. And to be honest, hers were at the tamer end of the scale.
Here's a selection of the unsatisfied requests and suggestions I have received:
Advert
"Just a video of you j****n' off and moaning."
"Hi, hope you're having a good day, any full frontals? With erection preferred ;)"
"Can we see u c*m?"
"Could start selling c***y underwear... I'd like it straight from the source, but it's kinky... Mmmm I'd buy them."
Advert
"How much for a video of you eating your own c*m off your chest?"
Now, as I say, I haven't accepted any of these requests, but they have forced me to ask myself questions. Questions such as: how much would I charge for a video of me eating my own spaff off my chest? For as they say, everyone has their price.
Indeed, I have learnt that the slope is slippery. When I originally set up my OnlyFans account, the notion of sticking any photos of my bits online was a clear red line, but over time, it has become more of blurred line - and I hate these blurred lines.
One fan has offered me '$250 (or more)' for a couple of 'super simple' custom nudes. These pics could be sent via direct message, to this stranger I will never meet, and basically fund an around-the-world flight with Ryanair. Moreover, I could charge $100 a pop to post my 'c***y underwear' around the world and save up enough for the corgi of my dreams. Nobody would have to know that I paid for him with dirty money, unless I named him 'Spaff' or something.
And while I haven't sold d**k pics or c***y undies, that's not to say it isn't tempting. The problem with posting nudes online, in any form, is that you can't get them back - just ask countless regretful celebs. The perils of screenshot means even a private pic can become public very easily.
As for the c***y undies, I'm a bit worried they might use the sperm to clone me, and God only knows what kind of horrific existence they'd have in mind for Jake the Fake.
I feared my failure to oblige any of my randy fans' requests would see my following dwindle once their monthly subscription periods had elapsed, and dwindle it has. At the time of writing, I have 44 fans, which apparently still leaves me in the top 27 percent of creators on the site.
So basically, a third of my hardcore fans - or Jake's Snakes, as I may start referring to them - continued their subscription for another month. My favourite of all these fans sent me $75 in tips for absolutely nothing, and a further $25 on my birthday. His opening message to me read: "I saw your article LAD. You're a very handsome fellow and your photos didn't get near the attention they should have. Thanks for the content and the interesting read. Cheers, handsome."
And so, while my original failed foray into the world of OnlyFans left my self-esteem at an all-time low, I have now very much got my swagger back.
All it took was exposure to an audience of more than 40 million people for me to find my niche of 40 or so blokes.
If you think I might be to your peculiar taste - be you a straight woman, a gay man or simply a straight man who appreciates a 'nice c**k' - you can see what all the fuss is about here.
Featured Image Credit: LADbibleTopics: onlyfans, Inspirational, Funny, Interesting, Community