Strippers Explain Why Many Customers Soil Themselves At Christmas

Have you ever wondered why so many people soil themselves in strip clubs at Christmas?

Wait, let me start that again - did you know that lots of people soil themselves in strip clubs at Christmas?

Well they do, according to London-based strippers Buffy and Heaven.

Speaking on a special Christmas episode of their podcast, Strippers in the Attic, the two discussed how club-goers at this time of year often find themselves in a very, well, 'sticky' situation, shall we say.

So, why exactly does this happen?

Heaven, 30, said: "I mean, the amount of people that had a very 'white' Christmas at a strip club that turned into a brown Christmas - because when you do bad coke, it tends to go straight through you."

I mean, what better way to celebrate the birth of Christ than by doing loads of coke and s******g yourself in a strip club?

Recalling one unforgettable incident, Heaven said: "I remember there was this one guy, I was in The Old Axe (strip club), I think this was last Christmas - this f****d me up for a long time afterwards.

"I could just smell this smell - it smelt like someone had been sick. I was like, 'Oh no, someone's been sick', and then it just felt like it was following me around. It just sort of was everywhere in the club.

"I went up to the DJ and said 'What is that smell?', and he was like 'That guy over there, he s*** himself'. And then the DJ was like, 'Yeah, he sat in like every seat in the private dance area'. He'd gone and sat in every single seat that he could.

"I actually went home, I was like, I don't need to put up with this."

That seems like a fair enough call.

It proved to most definitely be the correct decision too, because apparently 'one girl got it on her stocking'.

This story, in isolation, would be grim enough, but it seems it's more common than you might think.

Buffy - who has been working as a stripper for 19 years - shared a similarly nasty tale.

She said: "We had a lot of people trying to flush their pants down the toilet and blocking up the toilet. It was a regular thing, year-round - this wasn't even just Christmas.

"[One Christmas punter] removed his trousers and his underpants, 'cause in his coke-fuelled mind he thought, 'I have a way out'. He did not because he ended up trying to pull his T-shirt down over his weener, and he was like looking back and forth really intense with his eyes.

"The guy who was like the cologne guy was like, 'What are you doing? You can't go upstairs like that'."

She added: "He got poop on the wall, and he was on CCTV."

So remember folks, take it easy this festive season - unless you're dreaming of a s***e Christmas, that is.

Featured Image Credit: Alamy

Topics: Weird, Christmas

Jake Massey

Jake Massey is a journalist at LADbible. He graduated from Newcastle University, where he learnt a bit about media and a lot about living without heating. After spending a few years in Australia and New Zealand, Jake secured a role at an obscure radio station in Norwich, inadvertently becoming a real-life Alan Partridge in the process. From there, Jake became a reporter at the Eastern Daily Press. Jake enjoys playing football, listening to music and writing about himself in the third person.

@jakesmassey