Last week my colleague and good friend, Mark McGowan, listed all the things he, a northerner, didn't understand about the south.
As a southerner, I sat bemused reading his list as I wondered how a man from the European Capital of Culture 2008, Liverpool, couldn't understand societal and cultural differences between our respective homes.
Since leaving my special little shithole of a home in Croydon in the suburbs of south London for the bright lights and constant drizzle of central Manchester, I've come to learn about and love the north.
However, there are a few things that even two years of life up here can't explain...
The Obsession with Greggs
I like Greggs. Let's get that out of the way early doors. But, it's everywhere. You literally cannot move for Greggs in the north. Leave a Greggs, walk 10-20 yards in any direction and you'll be within earshot of another Greggs with loads of hungry northerners queueing out of the door.
Swear to God, there's a bouncer outside the Greggs in the Arndale shopping centre. A bouncer!? For a fucking bakery.
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Credit: PA
I get it. It's the food the people want at affordable prices but a steak bake is a steak bake, you know? It's nothing to get obsessive about and yet here I am being asked if I want Greggs for lunch every single day. Which brings me nicely on to my next point...
Lunch or Dinner?
The average person has three meals a day and it goes breakfast, lunch and dinner. I know Wikipedia says dinner can be had at noon but Wikipedia is wrong. As is the north.
Dinner is the evening meal. It's as simple as that.
And yet every day around 12.30pm I am harangued by my northern colleagues about what I fancy for dinner. My reply is always and always will be: "Well I got some chicken out of the freezer earlier but haven't really thought that far ahead yet."
I know dinner ladies/men generally work between the hours of 10am and 2pm because that was when we ate at school but it was still called LUNCH time, right? And that's because lunch is around noon and dinner is the evening meal.
So, northerners, please stop confusing shit and get with the programme.
The Weather
Admittedly, this is not actually anyone's fault but the weather up north is truly terrible.
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Credit: PA
Loving Any Band From The North Regardless Of How Good They Are... And Bucket Hats
There's no doubt the north has produced some of the best music the UK and the world has ever known. The Beatles, Oasis, The Arctic Monkeys and Atomic Kitten have come out of the north and I am delighted they have managed to sell out every last venue they've played.
However, when The Courteeners, one of the most average of landfill indie bands there is, can sell 25,000 tickets (reportedly) for a night at Heaton Park, I have to question whether it's for the love of the music or for the love of where they're from.
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And I guarantee at least 75 percent of those 25,000 wore fucking bucket hats. Bucket hats are for fishing, not identifying you're a cool indie kid.
The Stone Roses fans at Heaton Park 2012. Credit: PA
I have colleagues who like The Stone Roses' comeback track "All For One". I like The Stone Roses but that is not a good song. It's just not. Anyone who says it is, is deluded. I'm a huge Jamie T fan but I can admit "Tinfoil Boy" was a pile of shite.
Every week I have to remind certain colleagues that Reverend and The Makers aren't all that, Catfish and The Bottlemen are average and that not every band that comes out of the north is good. Sometimes they're just northern and it's OK not to like them.
The Assumption Everyone From Down South Is A Tory
We're not. Jeremy Corbyn is from the south and he spends his days eating falafel and fighting Tories.
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Credit: Twitter
Talking To Strangers On Public Transport
As a Londoner, I am programmed to get on public transport and remain absolutely silent. Just look down, twiddle your thumbs and do not even make eye contact with the person sat opposite you, next to you or a carriage down from you unless you want an earful about harassment.
When I came to Manchester and sat on a tram through town I was shocked to be spoken to by not only little old ladies running their errands - even in London you can find a chatty one of those - but by guys and girls of all ages.
One guy asked me where I got my rucksack from and another wanted to know why I was wearing a Spurs shirt in Manchester. We spent the next 12 minutes of my journey talking football.
The thought of doing that on the tube in London is beyond even the most imaginative, creative and optimistic thinkers the UK has ever and will ever know.
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Credit: PA
There's a lot to like about the north. In fact, I like the north so much I don't particularly have any desire to move back to London despite the large majority of my friends and family living there.
However, I was born and bred down south and there will always be some things I just don't get about the north.
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