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Back in 1999, Jim Levenstein from American Pie involuntarily inspired a generation. Teenagers all over the world were no longer content to use their hand to masturbate. Not even sitting on your left hand and making it numb sufficed any more. The masturbation game changed had forever, all thanks to one pie-fucking exploit.
It turns out that people are far more fucked up in the year of our Lord 2016. And a lot more creative.
We asked our faithful readers to reveal the strangest things they've used to masturbate with. We could never have imagined the messed up emails that we received.
Self-proclaimed 'loyal follower' Sol told us about his mate and a teddy bear he had taken a liking to.
"My mate has a plush toy teddy bear. He named it Ellie and supposedly 'without any help' a hole appeared right where the vagina would be.
"He says he fucked it pretty much every night for about four months when he was 15 or 16."
Might want to get your 'mate' some help, Sol.
The first food-based confession came from a guy who wishes to remain anonymous, and you'll see why.
"One day in the bathroom I got the idea to use a toilet paper tube. However, my little man wouldn't fit in it.
"So what I did was get a packet of bacon out of the fridge and wrapped the tube in it. Felt surprisingly real."
I hope to dear God that you didn't put that bacon back in the fridge when you finished.
Bailey confused us immensely with his disgusting dog toy confession.
"I once wanked with my dog's squeaky toy when I was drunk.
"I can remember at some points of my ferocious masturbation where I would accidentally press the speaker and it would make me laugh. FML."
Another message we received simply read:
"My Hand :) Jokes. A girl's feet ;)"
And just for that winky face alone, I can't help but feel the anonymous sender of this email should be jailed for a long time.
Jonny told the story of the time he used an item of clothing to mop up. Didn't end well for the lad. Strap yourselves in, lads. Jonny's in it for the long haul.
"Everything was going to plan, I had found a really good video that was just ticking all the boxes.
"After a good sensual 5 minutes I felt it coming but I quickly came to reality that my tissue box was empty.
"In fear that I was going to explode so much that my liquid gold was going to go everywhere (meaning all over me and my bed) I grabbed the nearest thing to me, my favourite jumper.
Jonny planned to wash the jumper before a night out the following day, but being the lazy bastard that he is, completely forgot to do it. You know what's coming next.
"I was out in my local Spoons with my mates and in the corner of my ear I heard someone in the background shout 'wank stain!'.
"All of a sudden the previous day came back to me and how I was wearing that jumper.
"It was too late to change. I actually wore a cum-stained jumper to a club.
"Luckily I was too drunk later on in the night to think that maybe all my shitty dance moves and the hundreds of people in the club would warm it all up and turn it a bit sticky again.
"If I did, I think I would have definitely projectile vomited all over the hot girl I was dancing with."
You weird, wonderful people.
Written by Liam Bond
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