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These Are All Of The Gross Habits That Lads Find Incredibly Satisfying

These Are All Of The Gross Habits That Lads Find Incredibly Satisfying

We're all guilty of these things.

Mark McGowan

Mark McGowan

Unless it results in unemployment, a criminal record, or an ASBO, us lads should be allowed to do whatever we desire in our alone time, no matter how weird and disgusting it might be.

I spend all day acting like a semi-reasonable member of society, so when I get home I should be able to fart in my bedroom before decadently wallowing in the ensuing musk for as long as I please. I'm a hard worker. I've earned it.

Whether it's smelling your own farts, picking your nose, or contemplating the day's accomplishments while clogging the toilet, every lad has a preferred - and largely repulsive - method of unwinding when the eyes of others are averted. So without further ado, here's a rundown of the grossest habits that lads find incredibly satisfying.

PICKING OUR NOSE

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There's something caveman-like about rooting around your nostril with an index finger and not stopping until you pull out an impressive bogie.

I'm sure it satisfies a primitive desire to hunt, or something, but I'm not going to think about that. Anyone who attempts to attach an anthropological link to flicking a solid snot-ball against a bathroom mirror doesn't deserve the pleasure in the first place.

That's the key: The process of excavating the bogie, rolling it into the perfect sphere and then giving it the almighty flick. It's just satisfying for some reason.

As a side note, if you eat your bogies, you're a fucking weirdo.

FARTING AS LOUDLY AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE

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There's nothing more satisfying than an enormous fart. Even when we're alone, we still tend to lift one leg in an effort to get the best possible acoustics out of an arse-ripper.

If I was in a sound-proof cell on an uninhabited island and I released a guff that didn't sound like a skip-full of chainsaws being dropped in a car crusher, I'd consider it a knock on my character.

After all, your mates are counting on a story about your solo butt-bazooka the next time you're at the pub. Don't let them down.

SHITTING FOR A REALLY LONG TIME


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If farts are a source of satisfaction, then sitting on the throne is our fucking Shangri-La.

Since we seem to love it so much, we never settle for a mere two minute sit down. No, my friends, we make it at least a 15 minute affair. It's the greatest form of procrastination.

It doesn't matter if you've forgotten your phone, there's always something to do on the toilet. Shampoo bottles, shaving foam, air freshener, toothpaste - that's just a slither of all the unexplored literature in one's bathroom. Failing that, gather all of your strength to get an absolute Exocet of a turd to fly from your arse so that the toilet water splashes your cheeks.

It may be one of the best, if slightly disconcerting, feelings known to man.

DANGER WANKS

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I reckon at some point or another we've all had a danger wank. If you're unfamiliar with the term, it's where a discerning gentleman heightens an already enjoyable experience by giving it an extra edge.

I've heard of a game where you pause your act of self-pollution to call your mother's name. The idea is you're supposed to have finished by the time she's made it upstairs to ask what you want. I've never tried it and likely never will, but you get the idea.

At the end of our treacherous auto-appreciation, there's the clean up phase. Now I'm not saying we play with our jizz, but there's probably a few things that go through our heads when mopping it up.

"How the fuck did it get there!?" for example. I'm hoping none of you have ever tasted it, because that'd be crazy, but I reckon we've caught a whiff of it and thought, I wonder?

SNIFFING OUR FINGERS

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During a day off, you're unlikely to shower until the afternoon, because fuck productivity. We obviously don't mind our own dirtiness though, because we often attempt to smell the less clean areas of our body.

Face it. We've all scratched various parts of our person then given our fingers a quick sniff. Some parts are more dangerous to scratch than others, but more often than not you scratch them anyway.

I'm not saying we want to bottle these odours and stick them in a Febreze plug-in, but we don't want them to go away either.

Ultimately, it's our scent, and while none of us plan to mark our territory, it's certainly an oddly satisfying thing to smell. Don't act like you don't agree.

Words by Mark McGowan

Featured image: PA

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Topics: Weird