Helen Mirren Takes James Corden To School In Painful Rap Battle

I'm currently four minutes into a rap battle between actor Helen Mirren and television man James Corden, but I've had to pause for breath. It's not an easy watch.

***

Oh boy, that was hard work.

In a carefully scripted rap battle between the two celebs, Helen Mirren came out the winner with a slew of put downs that you just couldn't script. Or could. I don't know. I'm still reeling.

Corden got things going with a few put downs about Mirren's credentials as The Queen, comparing her unfavourably to Meryl Streep, reminding her also of a relationship with Liam Neeson she had yonks ago. Pleasant.

Mirren came back in full force, accusing Corden of pandering to his audience (never) before lambasting the former Hollyoaks actor (he played a caretaker) for his obsession with her love life.

"He's obsessed with my exes, sorry James I'm not single, but you know I taught your little mister to tingle."

Time for another breather.

***

Okay. Here we go.

Following Mirren's penis-related bromide, Corden came back fighting like Ali on speed, savaging the actor's decision to play the Queen 'six times', before having a pop at her for something to do with Gosford Park and then comparing her (this would come back to bite him) unfavourably to Dame Judi Dench.

CBS / The Late Late Show With James Corden

"I've played the Queen, but also warriors and witches, crime lords and wizards, bosses and bitches," Mirren said in response, reminding us of her storied film career.

"This battle is fun, I'm glad that you asked, it's the only bit you didn't find in Jimmy Fallon's trash," she added, in a nod to Corden's talkshow peer, erm, Jimmy Fallon.

In a bid to avoid defeat, Corden offered a few more verses in which he accuses Mirren of making The Fast and the Furious boring, which is impossible, and comparing her unfavourably to Meghan Markle (no, I didn't understand that bit either).

He then made a member of the audience hand him a crown, because he's James Corden.

However, the last laugh would belong to the Caligula, Red and State of Play star, who called Corden out for comparing him to her female peers "Meryl [Streep], Judi [Dench], Maggie [Smith]", adding, "women are a force to be reckoned with, and I reckon I've reckoned you, you've been to hell and back, bitch."

Following the very lengthy rap battle, the audience were asked who should be crowned king/queen in a complete misunderstanding of how monarchies work.

Mirren won, I died a little inside and I'm still thinking about James Corden's penis.

Topics: TV and Film, Celebrity, James Corden

Ronan O'Shea

Ronan J O'Shea is a freelance journalist from London who has written for titles including LADbible, Headspace, The Independent, National Geographic Traveller and New York Post. Contact him at [email protected].