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Lawyer Reveals All The Crimes That Happened In Home Alone 2

Lawyer Reveals All The Crimes That Happened In Home Alone 2

They are the films that shot child actor Macauley Culkin to stardom but as well as entertaining millions the world over, the Home Alone movies have raised some very serious questions.

Take the first film for example, the entire McCallister family plan a holiday to France and forget to take poor Kevin with them, leaving him alone to fend for himself while the 'Wet Bandits' - Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern - try and invade his home, steal his family's possessions, and murder him.

Granted, he was a bit of a spoilt shit but that's surely down to poor parenting and certainly doesn't justify him being abandoned and/or killed.

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The sequel to the hit Christmas comedy is no better and raises even more questions as to the level of parental competence in the McCallister household, little Kevin's mental state - he's a fucking evil genius - as well as the strength and stringency of the American legal system.

Well, as they sat down to watch the classic sequel this year, the Secret Barrister decided to live tweet the film, noting every time a law was broken, and giving his legal verdict, based on English and Welsh law, of characters' actions.

Kevin could have seen himself in front of a magistrates if he'd lived in England or Wales. Credit: Fox
Kevin could have seen himself in front of a magistrates if he'd lived in England or Wales. Credit: Fox

So how many laws could poor little Kevin break in one film? Answer: quite a lot.

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During the two-hour film the Secret Barrister claimed he could have seen himself in court for any number of offences, including voyeurism - he records his uncle in the shower- before committing a blatant act of 'fraud by false representation' when he books a room at the Plaza hotel - during which time he wracks up a $900 bill.

His most serious offence however, according to the Barrister, is his sadistic streak of violence against the two crooks. When you think about it, it's insane -he lures them to an abandoned building, which he boobytraps.

Giving their verdict on his crimes, the Secret Barrister wrote: "For two counts of attempting to inflict grievous bodily harm with intent, Kevin, with the heavy mitigation of youth and the fact that he was, after all, being threatened by madmen, will nevertheless be found dangerous. Extended sentence of detention of 4 years plus 4."

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And this is before we even get to bandits Harry and Marv, what fate should befall these two goons who escape from prison - which itself is punishable by life in prison, according to the Barrister - and then set about killing Kevin, again.

"For conspiracy to murder a child, both Joe Pesci and Marv are looking at best at life with a min 30 yrs, maybe a whole life term. Abduction of a child with sadistic intent", says the Secret Barrister.

And now we get to the root of the problem - as is often the case - mum and dad.

Pointing out their clear disregard for the safety of their child, the Secret Barrister says that before the opening titles roll on the sequel, they should have been looking at a year in prison for a 'category 2B offence on the new Child Cruelty Guidelines'.

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And it doesn't take long for them to fuck up again when they put their son on the WRONG PLANE - an act of idiocy that - being their second act of neglect in a year could see them get 10 years behind bars.

Which is 'not mitigated I'm afraid by the awesome 90s comedy faint by Negligent Mom', according to the Barrister.

But in the end he says: "Negligent mom and skinflint dad are both getting 8 months' immediate custody for child neglect. Given that their child could have been brutally killed, this is not a bad result for their barrister."

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There you go, it's been settle once and for all.

Merry Christmas.

Featured Image Credit: Fox

Topics: UK News, TV and Film, UK Entertainment, US Entertainment

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Dominic Smithers

Dominic graduated from the University of Leeds with a degree in French and History. Like you, Dom has often questioned how much use a second language has been. Well, after stints working at the Manchester Evening News, the Accrington Observer and the Macclesfield Express, along with never setting foot in France, he realised the answer is surprisingly little. But I guess, c'est la vie. Contact us at [email protected]