In life there are three things that are inevitable..
The first, obviously, is life. The second is death. And finally, the third is that you know about FakeTaxi.
Somehow, John the taxi driver has managed to make a lot of online success with his staged taxi pornos, and fair to play to him.
Credit: FakeTaxi
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Now, similar to there being three inevitable things in life, I also feel that there are only three set ways a taxi ride can go.
One, is a journey where nothing is said, the silence only being broken by a stressed gear box and the occasional "just straight on here, mate".
Another is the "been busy? What time you on 'till?" drive. It's essentially you and the driver having the driest conversation about stuff you don't give a shit about.
The last is my favourite, the "have you heard of FakeTaxi?" journey. Get a boring driver and this will be of no entertainment to you. However, get a funny one and you're in for a fucking treat.
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I recently asked that question to a driver in Liverpool, whose name actually happened to be John.
His response was everything I could have ever hoped for.
"First off, it's obviously staged because it's the most immoral thing ever. You do that in real life and you'd get put down.
"Secondly, how's it even possible? It'd be well hard to fuck in the back of there - the dimensions are all wrong! Bin Laden would have been more comfortable in his hidey hole," John told me.
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Finding my feet and developing a new found adoration for John, I went straight for it, asking him: "Have you ever been offered anything like in FakeTaxi?"
"Have I bollocks, that shit doesn't happen. It does make me laugh though, you know when a foreign girl gets in his taxi and he says "it's a tradition to flash your tits" or something. When a foreigner gets in my taxi, I don't think about saying that, but I do laugh at the thought of it," he replied.
Credit: FakeTaxi
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Carrying on, he actually told me that if he ever did find himself in the situation where there was a real possibility of shagging in the back of his cab, he'd probably give it a miss.
He said: "I get asked about it a lot, but it wouldn't even be worth the hassle at the end of the day. Imagine the mess! I hate when people get in the back with a Big Mac - no way could I be arsed cleaning up a load of love juice!
"It's funny 'n all, you know when he gets that camera down - 'oh, by the way love, there's a security camera there' and then he gets down this big fuck off camera that he's robbed off Spielberg! It's madness. Then he starts doing all these mad positions like he's an Olympic gymnast, and asks the girls to lick his bum hole - I can't wait for the day he's had a bad curry.
"Fair play if he's making money from it though. We all have a laugh about it. Do people actually get their kicks to it though? Surely it's impossible to get through it without laughing? But I suppose I'm that way because I'm a driver myself, I watch it and imagine stuff like that actually happening - it's comical."
Credit: FakeTaxi/Pornhub
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Sadly, my journey had to eventually come to an end.
12.30am, stepping out of a taxi, I'm usually greeted by the emptiness of night, left to enter my house after a tiring day of work. But this specific night, I couldn't have been anymore content with the conversation I'd just had.
Cheers, John.
Words by Mark McGowan
Featured image credit: FakeTaxi
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