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It's soon to be 2017 and just about anybody's first port of call for anything is the group chat. A sacred thread of messages where you and your mates live to create banter to get you through the day.
Girlfriends just don't understand. Often they'll quip "what's so funny?", but she can't see. It's for your eyes only. Never mind any of this "even when I'm with you, you still speak to your mates more" shit. I need my mates.
But we all know what goes on in the group chat. It's near enough universal, and it's all down to the basic characters that can be found in any chat. It starts with the plan maker - he started the group and when you're in dire need of a lads night, he's on hand to orchestrate the proceedings. He hasn't got time for any maybes, or 'I'm seeing the other half', he's determined to get everyone out and having a good time.
Trying his best to wind up the plan maker is the main source of banter, the jester. His responses to the plan maker don't matter, you know he's going to be out. But for his own entertainment he messes about by declaring all the ideas for the night are terrible and sends ill-timed pictures - a clear cut wind-up merchant. On his side are the impartial ones - usually in their twos, they tend to go with the trend and join in with whatever the chosen topic of banter is. Ever reliable, sometimes easily led, but will most likely be appearing on a night out.
With the impartial ones comes the victim. He tries his best to join in the banter, but whatever he says will inevitably end with him being the topic of discussion. He'll usually question why he remains in the chat, but the force of the group is too strong to leave. The victim is not to be confused with the banterless baron. He's a good mate of yours and has been for some time, so it's hard for you to call him out on his awful attempts at making you laugh. However, you just can't help but cringe when his efforts are so poor tumbleweeds begin to roll by. You're all so used to it you just let it be and pass it by.
In the depths of the chat are the one with a partner and the elusive one. The one bound by the shackles placed by his girlfriend is always on hand for banter, but when it comes to going out it's a tough one. You have to let him know in advance otherwise his schedule will be full of meals, bowling or pub quizzes with his better half. He's a valued member of the group so when he does come out it's celebrated. The elusive one is a weird one. Not really one for taking part constantly in the group banter. He finishes work and ignores the 100+ messages in his inbox, only to check if the most recent applies to him. If it doesn't - he doesn't care. However, if it does, he may pipe up with a beautifully timed one liner that brings everyone to a fit of laughter. It's a rare moment of glory when everyone asks "where have you been all this time?". Other than that, he can be incredibly boring. A quick discussion later and the chat will be back on mute as he awaits his return next week.
You all know your place, there's no need to try and change them, they're cemented for life. With each person's position brings a typical day in the group chat. Take an average week day, for example, and waiting for the weekend to arrive.
A stock message of "I can't wait for Saturday lads" lands in your inbox. So begins the excitement building. It begins with the plan maker and the jester making predictions of what will happen. It's inevitable that one will always throw up, one will disappear early, one will cause controversy, one will get far too drunk and another will make a tit of themselves in front of a girl. Between them, they match these events up to their rightful owners and pretty much get it spot on.
In an attempt to dictate the direction of banter, the impartial ones pipe up, bringing old memories into the mix: "Remember that time when you *insert embarrassing drunken memory*..?" The banter is off them for now and an onslaught comes to the jester. A back and forth begins right up until that fateful moment when the victim chips in. Four crying laughing faces is his input and oh what a woeful mistake. The tables completely turn and he now has the plan maker, the jester and the impartial ones on his back. A thriveless bombardment of mistakes and devastating pictures that he can't defend start. The four of you are proud of the banter and it heightens the sense of camaraderie heading into the weekend.
Soon comes the turn of the one with a partner. A deep blow for the group as he claims he won't be attending. He's already fully booked for his partner's sister's dog's cousin's owner's stepdad's birthday meal. An absolute bummer, but you'll march on, whatever the weather. After a small amount of abuse for where his loyalties lie, you move on. Of course, you have to move on, because the banterless baron just tried his hand at making a whipped joke and it was awful. You could leave it as it is, but it honestly looks like a travesty sitting there as the most recent message in the inbox. The plan maker takes the plunge and begins his quest to sort out pre-drinks. You're all hoping that the one with a pool table and a big enough space to host you all is available; if he is, you're on for a winner.
Of course it's not that easy. Whoever it is begins to question why he must always host pre-drinks. "Why can't someone else, it's always me?". A valid question, but one that is irrelevant. No one cares, they just want the night to get off to a good start. And of course, his fit mum that you can flirt with is an added bonus.
But wait there, the elusive one pops up. Not for banter or a quick joke. But he says something along the lines of "just have us round you prick" - shots fired. The person in question is not happy and so begins an argument. One you've been waiting for, a series of quick-fire insults whilst you all sit back posting memes of people eating popcorn and a series of 'hahahaha's'. It's enough entertainment to get you through the evening.
This pretty much repeats until Saturday when excitement rebuilds for the night ahead.
The group chat becomes active again Sunday morning when the jester asks "what the fuck happened last night?".
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