'Come on mate, I'm not that drunk!', is probably the most a lot of us go through to trying to gain entry into a club. But, as we all know, once a bouncer has made up his mind, there's no changing it.
You could literally be Jesus, but if a doorman doesn't like the look of you he's going to make a fool of you in front of a big queue of people and leave you tucking your wang in between your legs.
Take it from this guy, who is a bit of a douche in all fairness, who thought just because he's an American corrections officer that he'd get into a UK club with no drama.
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The utter chancer left a nightclub through a fence to make an "official police business" call, and then flashed his badge to doorman Stephen Mullins, who denied him entry into a club in Sheffield on New Year's Day.
Credit: Caters
"The Smoking area is adjacent to a public car park, so anyone can come into the car park and try to jump over the low fence into the smoking area of the club and walk right in," Stephen said. "My job is to prevent people coming in by whatever means necessary, and to tell people inside the smoking area that they cannot exit this way but have to leave through the front doors."
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Capturing the bizarre scenario on a body cam, Stephen schools the American, telling him he has no jurisdiction and would have to go around the front to be let in. The supposed corrections officer then gets in a little paddy, takes a photo of the bouncer and fucks off, saying: "You're gonna get fired, brother."
Credit: Caters
At this point it's fair to assume that he walked off to a kebab shop to wait in a ridiculously long line, muttering under his breath, cursing the bouncer; only for all that trouble to be drained away once he realises his chips are cold and someone has pushed in front of him to nick his pizza.
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Welcome to England, 'buddy'.
Featured Image Credit: CatersTopics: American