A tweet, probably one of the best you'll ever see, has gone viral concerning one person and their hilarious dildo experience, during which a grandma collapsed in horror.
In an anonymous Facebook post screen-grabbed by a Twitter user, the person describes buying a dildo - a 12-inch silicone suction cup - which they didn't anticipate being quite so big.
"When everyone left the house one day I decided to give it the old college try," the person writes. "I had stuck it to my bedroom door... trying to back against it slowly letting my butthole adjust to the massive width."
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Gearing themselves up for what lay ahead, they listened to 'Eye of the Tiger' and got "pumped for the whole thing." The rest, well, I'll let you check it out for yourself. It's really worth the read. This lad has shared it.
Among other revelations are these snippets: "...my grandma comes in to investigate and jerks my door open, which snatched the toy out of my butt, bringing my sphincter with it. My grandmother freaks and slams the door which POWER DRIVES this thing up my anus all the way to the base."
"I am in so much pain and freaking out worrying I've killed her. So I crawled over to her and pushed her life alert button to send the paramedics, one of which was a new guy and when I tried explaining the story he literally pissed himself laughing."
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That's one of those stories that just keeps giving, isn't it? You think it's peaked and it hits you with a young paramedic checking in on grandma who has keeled over after seeing their grandchild with a dildo up their arse.
Anyway here's some other funny dildo-related stories.
As a pastime, fishing isn't really one that is known for it's theatrics or surprises. At most a larger fish than you expected to catch could take your bait and the adrenaline may surge through your body for at least 10, maybe even 20, seconds.
But let's be honest, unless you're Deagol and Smeagol fishing in the Gladden river and happen to stumble across the one ring to rule them all, then most angling trips are going to be largely the same.
During Adam Broadbent's venture onto the Leeds and Liverpool Canal near Bingley, West Yorkshire, he didn't find a ring that could dominate Middle Earth, but rather something that could dominate a few rings.
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Adam and his mate were enjoying a spot of spin fishing, hoping to net some pike, but somehow ended up finding a 12-inch dildo latching onto their bait.
There wasn't a vagina attached to the end of their line or anything, just your average stuff, but the sex-toy clung on hard and put up a fight before being reeled out of the water.
"It's the greatest thing I've ever caught," dad-of-two Adam said. "When I pulled it out of the water I just went: 'Oh my God'.
"Usually you get a bit of a tug on the line and it's just a fish, a branch or some debris. This was something else. I couldn't believe it."
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The foot-long catch was a little meatier than what you can buy in Subway, and certainly wasn't shy when it comes to girth.
Credit: Mercury Press/Caters
Leisure centre boss Adam, despite seeing the funny side of his catch, decided he'd dispose of the toy in some nearby bushes rather than take it home to his fiancée.
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"George tried to hang it up on a fence but a woman came out and told us she didn't want it near her garden," he said. "I asked if it was hers but she said I was cheeky and told me to bugger off. We were in stitches.
"We got a few dodgy looks along the canal path from people probably wondering what two blokes were doing with a toy like that.
"I actually chucked it back in the net to keep it out of sight a couple of times. I didn't know what to do with it.
"It's in a bush somewhere now. I could hardly bring it home. I wouldn't want to have to explain it really."
It would have been a monumental story to explain to his missus - but I reckon 'I caught it while fishing' wouldn't have cut the mustard.
Credit: Mercury Press/Caters
I'm sure that the majority of people are rather intrigued as to how the dildo originally ended up in the canal, but, sadly, we'll never know. At this point it's plausible to assume that Aqua Man got slightly too intimate with Princess Ariel, but upon the realisation that sex toys are futile when it comes to mermaids, threw it in a fit of rage.
One thing is for sure is that it's not this girl's little friend, because that got lost elsewhere.
Unfortunately Emma Phillips pressed down on her stomach to find that her toy was right up there, still buzzing away.
She and her boyfriend had somehow managed to get the vibrator stuck up her arse.
Credit: Mercury Press/Caters
"He tried a kitchen fork handle [to get it out], which we won't be using again, and said he could feel it at one point but that it was too far up - it was a goner," Emma said. "He tried barbecue prongs too but after a certain point - after an hour of trying - we knew we're going to have to go to hospital. We were both a bit shocked."
She had to be rushed to hospital to have the pink pleasure tool manually extracted.
It seems that nowadays dildos are a lot more prevalent than ever before. So much so that people often mistake everyday objects for them.
Take Shelby from New Orleans, for example. She took one look at what her mother had got her for Christmas, after emphatically unwrapping it, and let out a whelp, because she first thought it was a dildo.
It turns out, though, after some explanation, it was a cup holder.
However, at the age 18, Shelby had other things on her mind and was mortified that her mother even considered buying her a sex toy.
"When I opened the gift, I opened it upside down," she told Elite Daily. "That was unfortunate. I stared at it for a really long time trying to process the gift as ANYTHING other than a dildo, but there was nothing else I could think of. I sat there wide-eyed for a really long time; my family was actually worried."
Shelby's mum insists she didn't do it on purpose, and genuinely tried to find a respectable cup holder. Her grandma, on the other hand, said it can be used for "business in the morning, fun at night."
You can get them pretty much anywhere these days, to be fair.
Poundland now not only sells bags of sweets that you haven't eaten since 2001, but sex toys for those both stuck for money and hellbent on a bit of Thursday night muffin buffin'.
The range was even reviewed on Channel 4's raunchfest Sex Box by sexologist Goedele Liekens, who spoke positively of the £1 dildo in particular, saying it was, "no different to something that you would pay about a hundred pounds for."
A Poundland spokesperson said: "The item is merchandised on the top shelf, out of the reach of children, within the health and beauty section."
What a world we live in, where we can buy sex toys for only £1.
Featured Image Credit: Twitter/FacebookTopics: fishing
