What's the best kind of cruise in the world. Cruise control? Cruising for honeyz? Tom Cruise? He's pretty cool, but a little on the short side. Definitely not the kind of cruise you'd want your holiday fun to depend on if you've booked a month off. Or four.
When you think of cruises (enough nonsense, we're talking about the boaty ones), you tend to think of months marooned at sea, struggling actors/former boy band members/future Italian prime ministers crooning onboard a boat crowded with octogenarian seafarers.
But that's the cruise of the past. The cruise of the future, my friends, is a very different kettle of cats, and as cats are afraid of water, that sentence makes no sense.
A new 119-day (about four months, fam) cruise will see you visit over two dozen - more than 24 - countries in six continents, just one shy of the perfect seven. I haven't finished doing my research yet and I don't know which one it is, but let's say it's the shit one. Let's also not clarify which one that is or I'll go to prison*.
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The voyage comes from MSC Cruises and is called the "World Cruise", with 49 destinations. Departing Genoa in Italy, it returns after 118 nights of watery fun upon the high seas.
The company says its boaty mcboat boat (MSC Magnifica) is the biggest and most modern ship to take undertake such a bon voyage.
And what's on-board? Well, there are eleven bars (you'd want there to be), four restaurants, a casino (it's a cruise, after all), a panoramic discotheque (like disco with a 360° views of spandex and glitter, presumably), a cinema screen, a cigar lounge and tonnes of other fun things besides.
The Magnifica's magnificent journey kicks off with stops in Marseille (Zidane's hometown), Barcelona (Gerard Pique/Gaudi's hometown depending on how cultural you're feeling) and then Funchal (no idea) in Portugal.
Following the European stopovers the boat will head across the pond to the Caribbean, with stop offs including St Maarten, the US Virgin Islands, Puerto Rico and more before hitting the Panama Canal. It'll then head up to LA, San Fran, Honolulu and then make its way south (or take a really long journey north) to Auckland in New Zealand and Sydney in OzLand.
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For those still unsure about the coolest cruise since Tom Cruise was in Top Gun 2: the PTSD Years, bear in mind that it includes a butt-load of fun days out, such as riding elephants (presumably on their backs), lagoon swimming, hitting up a few national parks and more.
And the cost? A mere $16,999 (£13,200), basic, plus you need to wangle a way of getting 119 days holiday.
Looks like now would be a good time to tell your boss what you really think of them. Or at least ask if you can take a career break. Nope? I see. You went for the 'you're a massive bell-end and you can shove your job up your arse' route. Well done you. Now you just need to find the cash.
*It's Antarctica. I don't care who knows. To hell with those penguins. To hell with 'em!
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By Ronan O'Shea