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Usain Bolt Is Celebrating Exactly How The Fastest Person Alive Ought To

Usain Bolt Is Celebrating Exactly How The Fastest Person Alive Ought To

Belvedere and birds.

Josh Teal

Josh Teal

Featured image credit: Cirque le Soir/Instagram

Usain Bolt is the fastest man alive. The fastest man recorded in history. Think about that: almost every single living person has at one point ran in their life. Seven billion on this planet right now, and Usain Bolt can theoretically outrun every single one of them.

If I could do that, I'd go on the rob for fun. If I bolstered that gift into a shelf holding nine Olympic gold meals, I would not only run for a bus, but then I would proceed to run past it and beat it to its destination. I would sack off the Olympics altogether and live on a boat in Lake Como. The only pictures you'd see of me would be on MailOnline and others. Me wearing a cap in a nightclub getting twerked on, neon vodka bottle in one hand, Cuban in the other.

Image: Jady Duarte

I wouldn't do any of that Olympic 'I'm just happy to be here!' crap. None of that modest shite. 'Cause how boring is modesty, especially in our musicians, actors and athletes? If a person is classically 'larger-than-life', I want them to act that way outside of their profession. For example, I'd rather be treated like shit by Beyoncé than get along with a down-to-earth Adele. I'd rather be snubbed by a VIP-lounge-touring Usain Bolt than be asked to play Go Fish with him in a Somerset Pub. I don't wanna relate to these people.

I want to ogle at their lives. I want to feel removed from Usain Bolt's post-Rio photo album. It's an A to Z of how to do fame and I've got nothing to do with it.

So I have no problem with Bolt indulging in whatever he wants to indulge in. This includes shagging and then happily posing for pictures with a Brazilian student with a dodgy ex-husband, being seen with three other women in Rio before taking the party to London and taking two other women back to his hotel.

Most medal winning athletes will be busy getting ghostwriters to pen their boring life stories or shocking the world by returning at once to their training routine. Bolt doesn't arse about with any of that. He does what most of us would do if we could run faster than the Night Tube: get on the sesh and stay there as long as it takes.

If Bolt really is committed to his girlfriend, then his behaviour is - although fascinating - sorta mean. But if he's said to her straight-up, prior to Rio: 'Alright love, I'm gonna win gold again. And it's gonna be great. People are gonna be all over me. Let's have a hiatus', then I suppose it's fine.

The moral of the story is I'm not Usain Bolt, and I wish I was.

Words by Josh Teal

Featured Image Credit:

Topics: Usain Bolt