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Apparently My Spunk Isn’t All That, But Yours Could Be One Day

Apparently My Spunk Isn’t All That, But Yours Could Be One Day

Me 'Perfect sperm: completed it mate'.

People at Birmingham Uni: 'I've always wanted a job where I can get a massive lens and look at sperm in a Darwinistic way'.

I thought I'd toss this article over for you to enjoy, whacking it your way after watching more wank on the television in the form of X-Factor.

Masturbation puns.

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Apparently there's a way of finding out which of your little swimmers are likely to fall by the wayside and die before the mission has been accomplished and those that have a higher chance of reaching the Holy Grail.

The very moment our man makes contact. Credit: Lucas Film

If this research is used appropriately, it means we can all procreate little Usain Bolts who are perfect specimens of human beings.

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Ok, that last bit was a lie, but basically there's loads of maths involved in it and you don't want to read about that down the pub so I have to make it easy to read and full of whimsical quips, which is particularly difficult when you just have a load of God damn algebraic formulas and numbers in your face.

Hello old friend. Credit: Blue Lotus Fertility

As reported by The Mail, maths, or math as it's known to some people who are wrong, is the key when determining perfect efficiency at getting your sperm up to the egg. It's more than humping deeper and harder, apparently. You learn something new every day. Sperm are all different - they have contrasting lengths of tail, sizes and personalities (most of mine are passive aggressive and slightly annoyed at what's happened with their lives), and these spermatic idiosyncrasies actually matter.

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Think you're up for a maths challenge? Ok, this is the formula for the perfect 80s perm (made that rhyming slang up for the sake of originality and creativity).

G'wan lad. Do me a favour and explain what the chuff this is about.

The team at Birmingham University believe this bad boy, along with a few other formulas, prove what makes perfect semen.

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I got a B in GCSE maths (yeah, at LAD we actually have qualifications, some of us even have two), so I don't have a fucking clue what's going on at this point, so here's Professor Allen Pacey, from the University of Sheffield (certifiably the greatest university on the planet), who has this to say about it:

"Identifying sperm that are up to the job is actually very hard to do. The principles behind the current test date from 1952."

He also went on to say this study could be a game changer.

Alright, that didn't help you on your quest to find out what the hell is going on in this study, and it didn't save me 15 minutes, meaning I can get to the pub earlier. Nope, here I still am, on this laptop, trying and failing miserably to make this article top banter while giving you all the details you need that will change your life and make you a better person.

Ah good, this is what Dr David Smith, heading up the project at Birmigham Uni (not as good as Sheffield), had to say about it. He explains that he looks at sperm on high-powered cameras (perv), and seeing which ones hit the motherload is part of the process.

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"We remove the human error that comes from looking and counting them. To do this they are examining two factors in particular: how well sperm move, and the shape of their heads."

And when accounting how sperm swim, he had this to say: "They basically have to swim through mucus, and to do that they snake through it in an S-shape' - and the equation above describes how efficiently they do that."

Houston, we have touchdown. Credit: optisperm (course it is)!

Cheers, but what does the equation mean? Not going to tell me?? Ok. Fair enough lad.

Yep, after researching a bit more, I can categorically say that nowhere do they decipher that equation. I could do that at TheLADbible - get paid to make a formula for the perfect article (certainly not this one), chuck in some letters, numbers and Greek, and then get lorded in the office. What, that's what IT do is it? Oh ok.

The Birmingham team also hope to develop an app that can monitor your spunky McSpunkersons so that doctors can determine whether your fellas are more track and field, rather than the 100m butterfly. I, however, will not be performing a fappuccino on my phone for anyone, certainly not them.

On a more serious note, this study should be beneficial for people who are struggling to conceive, which is an issue for as many as one in six couples.

It does not go into detail as to how you transfer your pie eating, lazy, slobbish crusty custards into a legion of Michael Phelps, but perhaps one day we will find out.

Carry on with your day.

Wrong type of sperm. Featured images credit: PA

Patrick Hulbert

Tottenham Hotspur will win the league.