Last night, Channel 4 aired a controversial program called Kinky Britain. I've had the idea of doing something about sexual fetishes for a while, but after this hit our screens (and I gauged the reactions on Twitter) I thought it was time.
The show's premise was to showcase certain sexual fetishes. What people get up to in the privacy of their own homes (or cars, or generally anywhere) is up to them, right?!
Well, Twitter didn't think so.
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People were saying stuff like...
OH MY GOD SHES TALKING DIRTY TO GUMMY BEARS OH MY GOOD GOD I'LL NEVER EAT THEM AGAIN 😷😷 #kinkybritain
Who the fuck are these people? Sure, I don't understand certain kinks, but if someone's comfortable enough with their sexuality and they've found something that gets them off - who are you to judge them? These sexually-repressed people are almost certainly the kind of people who should be opening themselves up to experimentation - just sayin'.
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According to The Great British Sex Survey, the top fetishes in the UK are:
1 Sex toys
2 BDSM
3 Sexy Selfies
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4 Threesomes
5 Material Fetishism
6 Uniforms
7 Humiliation
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8 Body fetishes
9 Watersports
10 Cross Dressing for Sex
So when I wrote a status on social media asking for people to tell me about their own sexual fetishes... I expected a few people to say any variation of these.
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Well, I was right.
The first message I received was from a girl named Olivia*. She said: "I dated a guy when I was a teenager who asked me to dress up in my old Subway uniform. Safe to say it didn't work out."
Okay, that comes under number six. Fair.
The next message was from Emily* - this one was... slightly unusual. "He used to get me to stick biro pens down the eye of his penis."
Now, this is definitely one that I've never heard of before. Would this come under BDSM or humiliation? I can't quite decide. She continued: "I was so young and I kind of assumed it was maybe normal - I don't know.
"That was until we broke up and I became more sexually active with other people and I'd tell them and everyone was mortified."
I had more questions... like... was it nib first? Apparently it wasn't. Hey, it takes all sorts to make a world.
Harry* described himself as 'a bit bi' and said: "I like to be called Spencer in bed (after a certain person off reality TV) and be choked. I also like to be teased with a women's sex toy."
This is pretty easy to pick apart. Sex toys are the number one fetish in Britain and that's not just aimed at women. Plus, a little bit of fantasy is always good in the bedroom. Right?!
I then spoke to Jack*.
Jack: "I have a fetish for glasses.."
Me: "Oooh okay, people wearing them or just in general?"
Jack: "Yeah, girls wearing them. Absolutely no idea why. Actual glasses too, not sunglasses. To the point where in a relationship the girl, or I, buy them for her to wear... Weird eh?"
"Wow really? Can you figure out where it stems back from or is it just a random thing that turns you on?"
Jack: "Random thing. I have a few of them to be honest, just not to this extent."
"Do tell..."
Jack: "Okay I like... strangling people. Choking them. As in, I really like it. I could get off on it without being touched.
"I've been with girls who reached orgasm just from being choked, or controlled..."
I believe the glasses fetish is either material fetishism or uniforms. Obviously, strangling is BDSM.
As I continued talking to people from all walks of life, including people I went to university with, people from my hometown, people I'd worked with in the past and more, I realised a common thing was people saying how they knew how 'weird' they are. The thing is... fetishes are a big business.
One person I spoke to, Alfie*, introduced me to a social media network the BDSM (Bondage & Discipline/Domination & Submission/Sadism & Masochism) and fetish community called Fetlife. Basically, it's a place for like-minded people to meet together and discuss their fetishes. Maybe even meet up.
I attempted to make a profile to sign in, but sadly they're currently not taking on any new members. Luckily, Alfie trusted me with his log in details.
As I entered this whole new world, I realised that there's a reason why this site has over five million members. Everyone is so kind, polite and understanding of each other. In a world where they'd be ostracised if they even dared to mention half the things they're into - it was refreshing. I put myself in the shoes of people who genuinely love this shit and it was like paradise. They even have local meetups where people can spend time with other people who feel like they do. It's really quite sweet.
The problem with sexual fetishes is that they're such a taboo subject that people feel the need to hide their feelings. It's everyone else who's fucked, not the people who practice 'unusual' sex.
Thomas* explained his preference: "I have a thing for people from lower class backgrounds who behave in slutty fashion. Wearing too much makeup, short clothes, particularly black hair, young mums, trainers, that sort of thing.
"That's one of many and it's not meant to be an elitist thing.
Me: "Nah I get it, I think we did an article on it a while back - is it like 'chav porn'." [I hate that term but for the sake of clarity].
Thomas: "Yes, I also really do enjoy the idea of prostitution (within boundaries of course), as the idea of someone doing it for a job makes it hotter for me."
"So you say you enjoy the idea of prostitution, would you ever cross the line of liking it as a concept to actually paying for sex in real life? Do you enjoy the idea of it more?"
Thomas: "Former, have done."
"Did it live up to your expectations?"
Thomas: "Nearly always, yes it has!"
Thomas had bridged the gap between his fantasy and real life. It was fascinating to find out that he'd spent time with prostitutes and some had fulfilled his fantasies, others had not. I found myself wondering what had happened during the sessions that his fantasies hadn't been answered, but I decided against asking. Some things are better left unsaid.
I then spoke to a girl, Brooke*, who explained that she and her boyfriend, Liam*, had been experimenting with fetishes for a while. They're now engaged. She explained: "Liam and I first got into domination play about three months after getting together. I had a friend who had started to try it full-time with her partner and I wanted to try it. Liam came up with some rules and I loved it.
"As we were long distance at that time, it was super exciting as he would often give me orders by text when I wasn't expecting them. It developed into a full-time thing and I started to explore a 'brat' persona and started to call him Daddy - which we both loved.
"As I have a major Disney obsession and love teddies, it fit my personality really well and Liam enjoyed me dressing up in 'childish' pajamas and playing young. We are also involved with our local kinky scene and have attended a few 'munches' - basically, meet ups with other kinky people.
"The extra girl in the bedroom was my idea. I'm bisexual and, although I hate the stereotype of being 'greedy', I do appreciate women. I wanted to try a threesome for the shits and giggles. I met a girl on Fetlife and we became friends.
"We had a threesome and I loved every second of it! And now we're still friends. We would definitely do it again."
Through life experience, I can definitely say that threesomes are one particular fantasy/fetish that come up time and time again. However, the majority of people I have spoken to have said that they didn't quite live up to their expectations. It was refreshing to speak to Brooke who had spent time getting to know the third person and enjoying a mutually positive experience.
I was beginning to really change my idea of what 'fetishes' were all about. I can't say that I've really explored any of my own, although I am aware of some. I feel like we're brought up to see sex as such a 'dirty' thing, that the idea of anyone being open and confident in their sexuality is shocking and distasteful. Why is it that way though?
At the end of the day, if you think boobs are sexually arousing - DING DING DING, you've got yourself a fetish. Tits are for feeding babies, that's it. Anatomically speaking, you should be as turned on by tits as you are by elbows. They've got nothing to do with sex.
Let's delve into another real-life story. Alexander* had quite the tale... "I had an ex at uni who had always been adventurous, wearing outfits, role-playing, into anal sex etc etc. However she had this crazy fetish of pretending to be a prostitute. It all started when I asked her to wear some lingerie with suspenders, fishnets and heels. At the time she commented on how she felt like a hooker wearing it, which I took as a negative comment.
"Turns out she really got into it and it became her favourite 'look' to make herself seem as hooker-like as possible and proceeded to convince me (I use the term 'convince' loosely) to role play the whole prostitute and client act.
"It went so far in the end that she'd get me to drive around in her car, while she'd be dressed up with her outfit underneath her coat and I'd pick her up streetwalker style, or ring her up before going around to her house to arrange a 'booking'. Eventually we'd even pretend to exchange money. It did eventually get too risky with the street-walking side of things seeing she actually got approached a few times and I was terrified of getting pulled over. The girl was bonkers... great shag though."
Ethan* messaged me his fantasy: "Fuck it, why not? My biggest fetish is getting a girl to squirt. It's a huge turn on knowing you made that happen and gave your partner that much pleasure."
That's so straight-forward it's brilliant. Ethan just likes giving pleasure to his partner. End of.
I then spoke to Toby* - he explained that his ex-housemate at university had been in quite a lot of trouble with girls after pissing on them without their consent. Wait, what?!
He explained one particular incident that will scar me forever: "There was one case of pissing on a girl's face while having a blow job. That's probably the worst.
Duuuuuude. If you have a kink, yeah. Enjoy it. Whatever. Just make sure it's between consenting adults, okay?!
Fucked up.
So there you have it. I spoke to so many people today about their different fetishes and it was honestly liberating. I feel better just by hearing about what these people have been up to.
My advice is that if you have a fetish (or think you might have one) - explore it. There's a lot of uptight people out there who'll never experience what you could.
And remember, loads of blokes love a finger up the bum. So start there if you want.
Don't be ashamed, lads.
Words by Mel Ramsay
*All names have been changed to protect identities.
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