These are the stories that usually mean my Twitter gets clogged up with people really angry that I'm 'so fucking ignorant' and that I need to 'do some research'.
So let me tell you why star signs are made up. Where some star is up in the sky or when you were born does not make a tiny bit of a difference.
If you're chilled out, it's cos you're chilled out, it's not because you're a Sagittarius and yeah you can date a Gemini, you may be compatible.
And here is why it's all made up..
So now, it transpires that you probably aren't from the star sign you think you are from, and everything you and I were ever told about all a lie.
Horoscopes, also known as lies. Credit: someone who won't want the credit
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You see, these star signs were set in stone over 2,000 years ago, around the time when fiction was popularly purported to be fact. This is over 1,500 years before Nostradamus was knocking around.
TheLADbible could not ask him for his opinion. Credit: Topcount
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Things have changed over 2,000 years and apparently stars you were supposed to be born in have shifted, and now the dates are messed up.
Here's what we've always believed the dates are:
Aries: March 21 - April 19
Taurus: April 20 - May 20
Gemini: May 21 - June 20
Cancer: June 21 - July 22
Leo: July 23 - August 22
Virgo: August 23 - September 22
Libra: September 23 - October 22
Scorpio: October 23 - November 21
Sagittarius: November 22 - December 21
Capricorn: December 22 - January 19
Aquarius: January 20 - February 18
Pisces: February 19 - March 20
And here are the *actual* dates.
Capricorn: January 21 - February 16
Aquarius: February 17 - March 12
Pisces: March 13 - April 18
Aries: April 19 - May 14
Taurus: May 15 - June 21
Gemini: June 22 - July 20
Cancer: July 21 - August 10
Leo: August 11 - September 16
Virgo: September 17 - October 31
Libra: November 1 - November 23
Scorpio: November 24 - November 29
Sagittarius: November 30 - December 18
This actually means roughly 86 percent of us who thought we knew our star sign actually don't. Russell Grant's been lying to us for years, the absolute lizard.
'Where's your research for this TheLADbible? Shoddy journalism...'
Well, at the BBC, Stargazing Live made the revelation.
Dr. Radmila Topalovic, who holds a PhD in space dust (I shit you not), says:
"The Earth is affected by the gravitational pull of the moon and the sun and they introduce a wobbling effect in the Earth.
That whole effect is called precession and the Earth itself behaves a little bit like a spinning top."
Basically, right, Earth wobbles, and that skews everything, which means that the star signs we followed millenniums ago are now as dated as a Harambe meme.
Star Signs. Credit: dnaindia
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But for those who still believe star signs mean something and are adamant that's why they've got married to someone or their pet goldfish is still alive or how they got THAT job and you happen to be one of the star signs I randomly plucked from thin air, then please look no further. And remember, you're probably a new star sign now which means you have to change your entire outlook on life.
Patrick Hulbert's guide to the galaxy...
Aries: You're going to find this article relatively funny, but also lacking in any depth of content. You're not the type of person for confrontation, though, so you'll just read this and think 'meh', and move on with your life.
Gemini: You're probably angry because you used to be Cancer, and you liked crabs. That said, you sometimes think outside the box and this change could be just what you need.
Pisces: You're over the age of Aquarius, and the new positioning of the stars means you're ready for anything. First, however, you need to vent your anger at this article by leaving a comment.
*Actual* - what a crock of shite.
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Main image credit: PA
Topics: Cancer