A British Person's Impression Of The US Presidential Election
As a British person watching the presidential election from a safe distance across the Atlantic Ocean, the whole thing has been pretty strange.
It's been going on for what seems an eternity (it actually started in March last year) and there's been so many twists and turns that it's been like a pissed guy driving a bumper car.
In comparison to the General Election over here in the UK, it's been like a Hollywood blockbuster. Yeah, Ed Miliband can't eat a bacon sarnie but Ted Cruz is the Zodiac Killer. Wait, what?!
Been laughing at Ed Miliband eating a bacon sandwich for about 10 minutes now ..... I need to get laid or something pic.twitter.com/H5vXAhd3C9
- Graham Knight (@Graham_12) 4 August 2016
So, there are two main contenders for the presidency. First, Donald Trump...
And Hillary Clinton...
Fair enough. Not that weird.
Before we get into the meat of these two, here's some more crazy shit from a whole host of other candidates who've dropped out over the course of the campaigning period...
Ted Cruz 'Is The Zodiac Killer'
So, first of all, some bloke called Ted Cruz announced his presidential campaign on March 23, 2015. He (like Donald Trump) was a candidate for the Republican Party.
Pretty soon, the Internet decided to rear its ugly head and completely ruin his life. It decided to make a meme that Cruz was the Zodiac Killer, an unidentified Californian serial killer of the late 1960s and early 1970s. Before you even begin to entertain the idea, Cruz was actually born in 1970.
This is the equivalent of the UK claiming that Jeremy Corbyn is Jack the Ripper.
Why can't they all just sit down together and have a nice cup of tea? Maybe queue up for a bit and avoid any kind of confrontation - it's the British way.
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Luckily, Cruz began to steer into the skid and began mentioning it in interviews. Not so luckily, he dropped out of the presidential race in May.
Deez Nuts Was A Candidate
America is pretty strange. Like, over here we really do love you but...
I love that someone took the time to put that forward. What I love even more is that people were responding well to it.
Everyone loves memes. In fact, from what I can see from over here in Blighty - the whole presidential campaign has been doused in memes. And we love it. It kind of unites the whole world because we can all take the piss out of them all... together. Deez Nuts was a short-lived yet hilarious meme and we're glad to see it was included.
Jeb Bush Made Everyone Really Sad When He Had To Ask Them To Clap
If there's one thing we can count on America to do - it's to make a brilliant meme.
When Jeb Bush addressed a crowd while campaigning, he had to physically ask them to clap for him and it was the saddest thing anyone's ever seen... probably.
"Please clap."-Jeb Bush to a quiet audience at a campaign stophttps://t.co/0plkAuW7Uz
- NowThis (@nowthisnews) 3 February 2016
Christ. That's so awkward. It's even more awkward than when you're sat by the window on a train and have to tell the person next to you that you're getting off at the next stop. 'Excuse me, sorry, yes, I'm just... yeah, sorry'.
For the love of all that is holy, don't tell people to clap for you. You're asking to be Internet famous for all the wrong reasons.
That Time Donald Trump Got Little Kids To Sing A Song And It Was Like They Were Summoning The Devil
The 'USA Freedom Kids' were part of Trump's plan to appear very patriotic, it seems. I don't know, I'm British. Anyway, they ended up coming across like something out of a horror movie. Namely The Shining - "Come play with us, Donald. Forever and ever and ever..."
Credit: Nick Tomecek/Northwest Florida Daily News
Imagine if David Cameron had done this?!
Was this intended to give people nightmares? Little kids are scary. That's why they're in horror films so often; they creep people out. If anything, I feel like this was something the Devil asked for in return for Trump's popularity. No, thank you. It made it over here in Britain for all the wrong reasons.
It's got even darker since with accusations of Trump sexually assaulting women, and claims of Hillary Clinton being a crook. These allegations have been flying about so much that learning about actual policies can be quite difficult. The headlines are all so full of mud-slinging that you can't even see the real issues. Take climate change, homelessness and universal healthcare, for example.
But anyway, it'll all be over soon. On November 8th we'll find out who the next president of the United States is going to be. God help us all.
And God bless America.
Featured image credit: PA Images