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All The Things Northerners Can't Understand About The South

All The Things Northerners Can't Understand About The South

It's a mystery, down there.

Mark McGowan

Mark McGowan

All over the world there are huge rivalries. El Classico, The Ashes, Jeremy Clarkson vs Chris Evans, Orcs vs Men, The World vs Katie Hopkins. None, however, are as prominent, or as fierce, as The North vs The South.

Now, there is this weird little thing called 'The Midlands', where folk sit on the border between the north and south. Some places, like Stoke-on-Trent, for example, like to fool people into thinking that they're a part of the north-west. They're not. They do have oatcakes, which are fucking brilliant, but then again, they released Robbie Williams upon the world, and for that, they can't be forgiven.

When it comes to the divide, in cultural terms, there's arguments on both sides for which is better. Personally, as a lad of the north, and one that comes from the suburbs of the Capital of Culture 2008, Liverpool, I think that the north is undefeatable. My colleague concurs, but we'll get to that later.

There are some things that I just can't wrap my head around, down south though.

Dry Chips

People are better off when they realise that gravy is the most disposable tool in anyone's culinary arsenal. I can't help but be infuriated, like Luis Suarez as a baby when his parents told him that not everything is a chew toy, when I see a dry chip.

And frankly, some attempts at replicating cheesy chips is embarrassing.


Clobber

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but tweed should be banned. Everywhere. Worldwide.

Trilbys too, has anyone who consistently wears a trilby ever been laid? I don't know.

Get a pair of trainers in your life, whack on a cagoule, get a dodgy haircut and walk around like you're Liam Gallagher, trying to reclaim your youth. That's what we do up north, and we all look like dicks, but no one gives a shit. We're too arrogant.


Prices

Now, I know the price of things down south, specifically London, is out of common people's hands, but still. It may surprise some people to know that up here it is possible to find a pint that doesn't require you to remortgage your house to be able to afford it.

Not long back I traveled down to the capital to celebrate my sister's graduation. I had to share a hotel room with my dad otherwise the pair of us would have been skint. Upon arrival, my dad came out of the bathroom after having a shit, exclaiming: "Fucking fiver for cuppa! Seven for a pint, and the stingy bastards don't put a lock on the khazi! Thatcher's Britain!". After that, we headed out to find a pub playing Liverpool vs Manchester United's Europa League last-16 clash (that was hard). I then paid £24 for four drinks, and left the establishment with my pants down.

Public Transport

It's shit everywhere. North and south. Move on.

Cafes and Coffee

A fruit mint cappumochalatte chino with chocolate and kale sprinkles? No thanks, just get me a coffee please, pal.

I don't know who decided to over-complicate coffee, but it needs to stop. Even coffee machines are spreading up here in the north. Just get some Nescafe, some milk and get it sorted, no need to piss about with these middle-class 'pods'.

And what's wrong with just a normal biscuit? A Digestive or a Hob Nob. If it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Coats

Going out with a coat on? Jesus. Get enough beer down you to tranquilise a horse and you won't feel the cold. Let the nipples poke through.

All this being said, every now and again, it is nice to visit London. Over-indulge in it though, and it can become really irritating.

Watch out soon for my southern colleague for his thoughts on the north.

Featured image credit: PA

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