Sex - the intimate union between two people who love each other. Or so my mother thinks it is.
In reality, naked bedroom dancing is actually more often than not an awkward affair with a lot of fumbling around, heavy breathing and regret.
When I'm sat on the end of the bed crying as she pats me on the back telling me, "It happens to every guy," you know it's not gone well.
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While my sex life is alarmingly more tragic than Romeo and Juliet, it's not the case for everybody. Some lucky bastards get to have sex, it not be awkward as hell and carry on with their lives entirely satisfied after a hard night's work.
You know the old saying, 'Girls talk'? Well, it's true for men too, ladies. We don't go into too much detail when it comes to sex but when the conversation does happen, it usually surrounds all the unpleasant things women want to do in the sack that we're entirely not prepared to put ourselves through.
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We're delicate, you know.
Anyway, guys have been spending the last few days on Reddit discussing all these un-pleasantries you women try and put us through between the sheets. And it makes for some good reading:
When they jerk you off like they're trying to start a campfire in the palm of their hand w/your dick - BrisketWrench
I had a girlfriend that got off on spreading the hole on top of my penis open and flicking the slit with her tongue like she was eating a very tiny vagina. It was random as hell and it really didn't feel all that great. She was gorgeous though, so I put up with that shit for awhile. - PostCool
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Getting too damned rough with the balls. Those things are sensitive ladies, and are easily hurt. - mysterious_baker
Starting a non sexy conversation while we are doing it. Is this really the time to comment that we need milk? - Ilikewaterandjuice
When they try to hump as your humping and everything falls off beat. Then you gotta restart your momentum. - Froddoyo
Using your teeth while you give a blow job. God damn I still can't forget this one chick giving literally most painful worst blowjob I ever had. - ModernLoverr
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Riding on top, the girl leans all the way back. Sure great experience for you but it doesn't bend too well. - LotteryofJustice
Fake porn moans, stop that, make your real sounds. - GreatNorthernHouses
Only if I ask for it, and at no other time, may you even approach my asshole. Preparation and diet are HIGHLY required before you mess with my poop chute. - puckbeaverton
I had this girl, not long ago, that thought it was hot to instead of stroking the dick she just kind of squeezed it, at first I didn't quite even notice the problem, I thought she was for whatever reason just grabbing it, but when I noticed the squeezing it took everything in me to not laugh out loud. - SosX
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OK, that's enough for today. But how relate-able is almost all of that, huh?
Words by George Pavlou
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