I've never stolen anything from anyone (my mum might be reading this), but if I did, I like to think I'd be better at it than this fool from East Kilbride.
I've seen enough gangster films to be able to pull it off. Or at least not to be so fantastically shit at it.
Apparently Gregson Ford was trying to innocently sell a gold club online when he was asked some questions about a would-be buyer.
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Thinking he had a buyer, he knocks off £5 if the customer could come and pick it up from him.
But then it takes a rather unexpected turn.
The wannabe thief switched into a strange version of Scots - I know of no one in Scotland who refers to anyone as 'geezer' and tells Ford how he's going to rob him.
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And then he realises he's texted the wrong person and tried to backtrack in a spectacularly awkward fashion.
"Awryt mate am going meet some geezer for a new putter, wanty come with me and we'll just do him in and take it off him lol," wrote the thief.
One thing I do know is that you should never take on someone with a golf club. They could easily swing it at your head.
Unless he and his mate were planning to show up with golf clubs of their own?
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Like some sort of golf club-off? Who knows what goes on in East Kilbride.