Deadpool Teaser Trailer Scroll Story Explained
No one can wait until the next Deadpool, and luckily for us, there's a teaser trailer before the start of Hugh Jackman's last outing as Wolverine in Logan.
It's got 17 million views so far and Ryan Reynolds has described it as: "Wade and the other girls from the Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants plan a trip to Cabot Cove."
I would pay to watch that.
Credit: Ryan Reynolds/20th Century Fox
As usual, it's Deadpool taking the piss. He's walking along the mean and gritty streets until he sees an old man being robbed. So just like Superman, he rushes off into a telephone booth to change into his costume and save the old man.
He struggled in the small space; if there's one thing we know it's that he's no Clark Kent.
Meanwhile, the man is screaming and screaming for help. Deadpool gets annoyed and phones up the man who usually helps him into the suits to complain how hard it is to get dressed.
"Can you hear me? HELP!" screams the old guy, and then a gun shot goes off.
And then Deadpool rushes over to save him. But... yeah he's dead.
"Oh you're not going to walk that one off. I'm so sorry. I spent WAY too long in the phone booth," says Deadpool to the corpse. "If I'm being honest with myself I probably should have just called 911."
"We're missing the real point," says Deadpool, lying down on the man. "What the fuck is a phone booth doing on a street corner. Didn't those disappear in like '98?"
"You probably wouldn't be dead if it was Logan," he said, eating the dead man's ice cream.
And then he mocks Hugh Jackman's Aussie accent. Gotta love Deadpool.
But what's the script at the end of the clip? Well it's a weird and irreverent review of an Ernest Hemingway novel, The Old Man and the Sea.
Credit: Ryan Reynolds/20th Century Fox
It's Deadpool so of course it's fucking random. Clearly Ryan Reynolds is a big Hemingway fan. Or maybe it's some sort of clue about Deadpool 2. Maybe there will be fish involved. Or maybe he just commiserates with someone as unlucky as him. After all, he got cancer and then he transformed into an ugly bastard.
Here's the story. Spoilers for people who haven't managed to get through the old classic yet.
"The Old Man and the Sea is the story of a fight between an elderly, accomplished fisherman, Santiago, and a really big fish. Like... HUGE. The story opens with Santiago suffering 84-four days without catching a fish because he's the unluckiest son-of-a-bitch on planet earth. Honestly, if you were in a boat for 84-four days, it'd be hard to NOT catch a fish... even by accident. Santiago was so unlucky that his apprentice, Manolin, was forbidden by his ma and pa to fish with him. But as The Fresh Prince used to say, 'Parents Just Don't Understand'. So the boy visits Santiago's shack anyway."
"Ignoring the inherent risks of unsupervised playtime with an elderly man who talks to himself, Manolin helps out, moving Santiago's fishing gear, making food and talking about baseball. Especially Joe DiMaggio; who used to bump fuzzies with Marilyn Monroe. The next day, Santiago tells Manolin that he's going way out into the Gulf Stream. WAY OUT north of Cuba. Lady luck is returning!
"On the 85th day of his crappy luck, Santiago drops his lines, and by noon, gets a bite from what feels like a big ass fish. He's sure it's a winner. He fights and fights and fights but can't pull the monster in. Santiago's leaky old boat is pulled by the fish for two days and nights as he holds on for dear life. Even though he's bloody and beat, Santiago begins to appreciate this mighty adversary. He starts calling him 'brother' or maybe even, 'bro'. It's sort of a love story if you really think about it. And like most romantic comedies, the reader pictures a delightful outfit changing montage, followed by the inevitable interspecies wedding.
"But on the third day, Santiago is freakin' EXHAUSTED, and decides he just wants the fish to do what he says and not always swim wherever it wants. So he stabs it. With a f*cking harpoon. It's a mess. Super gross. Blood everywhere. Because, like many men his age, Santiago has difficulty expressing his emotions and fears with words - instead giving in to base desires - and imposing his gigantically terrible positions on any given subject through unblinking violence. Typical.
"Anyway, he straps the marlin to the side of his skiff and hits the road home, ready to act like a total show off to everyone and probably gouge people on the price. But guess what? Pretty soon sharks begin to attack the bleeding marlin's carcass, because we all know, life is a tragic opera and just when you think you've finally found something good and true, sharks come along and rip it all to fucking shreds while dry-humping your dignity with their crazy-weird shark dicks. Sure, Santiago tries killing a few of them, but drops his harpoon because his hands are just as old as he is. By nighttime, the sharks have pretty much eaten the entire marlin.
"Only a bleach-white skeleton remains, silently mocking him in the murky darkness. Santiago realises he's still unlucky. REALLY unlucky. (Duh!) He calls the sharks 'dream killers'. Which isn't really all that fair. I mean, the sharks were just doing their job and the marlin... Jesus, don't even get me started on the marlin! It was just hanging out one day, minding it's own business, maybe thinking about ways it could be a better provider for it's family and WHAM! Harpoon in the brain. Who's the "dream killer" now, fuckface? The hypocrisy is pretty much boundless at this point.
"Eventually Santiago makes it ashore. Leaving the bones of the marlin and the boat, he hobbles to his shack. He makes it home and crashes, like I said - he's super tired. The next morning a group of fishermen gather around Santiago's boat. One measures the skeleton and, holy shit-shingles! It's over 18 feet! The head of the fish is given to Pedrico (strange that this is the first mention of him) and the other fishermen ask Manolin to send their glad tidings to the old man.
"Manolin brings Santiago newspapers and coffee when he wakes and they decide to fish together again. Many years later, there's a Red Lobster Restaurant in nearly every city in America, offering a casual dining experience and convenient parking."
Dare I say that this retelling of The Old Man and The Sea is a masterpiece on par with Hemingway's original novel? Yes I dare.
But I've been to Red Lobster and it's totally gross; nachos aren't supposed to have crustaceans on them. Just guacamole.
We've got until 2018 until Deadpool 2.
Featured Image Credit: YouTube