If you, like me, are a man who finds themselves utterly incapable of growing a beard, maybe you've lain awake throughout the wee small hours of the night cursing your luck, before falling into an uneasy sleep where feverish dreams present images of glorious - but completely unattainable - facial hair.
Perhaps you've just chalked it up to bad luck and got on with your life. I mean, who wants to hang little baubles off their face, anyway.
Either way, we now might have the answers we crave. Basically, the reason we unfortunate few will never live out our dreams as a lumberjack, Spartan warrior, or East London café owner is a simple quirk of genetics and hormones.
It's simply down to the fact that some people are more genetically disposed to growing a beard. Disappointing, but at least we have closure now.
Dermatologist Dr. Jennifer Chwalek told Business Insider: "Some men, you know, have more hair follicles, so they can grow denser, coarser beards than others.
"Testosterone gets converted in the hair follicle to a more potent form called dihydrotestosterone. Some hair follicles have receptors on them that are very sensitive to this higher form of testosterone, dihydrotestosterone, and that will stimulate hair growth."
Basically, the more receptive your hair follicles are to this dihydrotestosterone, the thicker and fuller your beard will be. It's nothing to do with the fact that we're less of a man - there are hundreds of other reasons for that.
In fact, it is more than likely that your testosterone levels are comparable - possibly even higher - than your hirsute friends.
Dr. Chwalek reassures us: "Men who can't grow a beard or have patchy beards usually have normal testosterone levels. It isn't a reflection of having low testosterone or being deficient in testosterone."
If you're really desperate, you may have experimented with techniques and tips to try to coax a tiny bit more growth out of your face. However, short of buying a facial wig or having some bizarre hair transplant, you'll always be left disappointed.
You might have heard that shaving more will encourage greater beard growth. Again, you'd be dead wrong.
You might as well not bother, because the real stuff is taking place well below the surface. As Dr. Chwalek explains: "When you're shaving, you're just cutting the hair off at the surface of the skin, and what's controlling the hair growth is really occurring deeper in the skin.
"So, it shouldn't have any impact on how quickly the hair grows or how dense the hair grows.
"People have tried topical Rogaine or Minoxidil. These things may stimulate a little hair growth, but assuming it's due to genetics, then you're kind of stuck with what you have."
There you have it, my fellow clean-shaven men. We might as well get used to it.
Anyway, beards get loads of shit stuck in them, they itch (so I'm told) and they're probably going to go out of fashion soon.
Whatever helps you sleep at night.
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