North Korean Leader Kim Jong Un Controls Weather While Hiking Up 2,774 Metre Mountain
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We all know that it's actually possible for governments to control the weather. Seriously, look it up - it's been done... We also all know that human beings can climb mountains.
But did you know that Kim Jong Un - the head of North Korea - can do both? And recently did both at the same time.
Yes, according to North Korea state media, the 30-something-year-old dictator recently climbed the sacred Mount Paektu - all 2,774 metres of it - wearing dress shoes. And it must be true, because there's a picture of it. Look!
A press release issued by the state media explained that "[w]hen Kim Jong-un ascended to the top of it, going through thick snow, it showed fine weather unprecedented in the blizzard of December winter, exposing its majestic figure."
Of course, the reason for the unexpected sunshine was because the mountain wanted to give Kim Jong Un a "warm welcome" and "show joy at the appearance of the peerlessly illustrious commander who controls the nature."
It gets better. Reporting on the event, the Rodong Simmun, which is North Korea's official state newspaper, explained that their incredibly athletic leader "often climbed Mount Paektu but this is the first time to have in mid-winter such nice weather, rare to be seen even in spring."
But that wasn't all. It continued: "His eyes reflected the strong beams of the gifted great person seeing in the majestic spirit of Mount Paektu the appearance of a powerful socialist nation which dynamically advances full of vigour without vacillation at any raving dirty wind on the planet."
Credit: PA. Kim when he's not climbing mountains
While we're absolutely 100% sure that Kim Jong Un - who came to power in April 2012 after the death of his father the previous December - managed to walk all the way up the mountain in regular clothes and shoes without getting snow on him or any traces of gangrene in his feet, we can only imagine that this is the kind of "fake news" President Donald Trump would love to see written about himself.
Especially because the two countries are taunting each other with the threat of nuclear strikes at the moment. Which is fun. Like a playground game of conkers, only with devastating effects on the entire human population. Thanks, guys. It's much appreciated.
Words: Mischa Pearlman