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Nothing says Christmas quite like 'cardiac arrest', and this year, it looks like it's going to be easier than ever to give your heart the festive kicking it doesn't deserve.
December is characterised by decadence. A month of chocolate and booze culminating in a massive Christmas dinner, which leaves us grotesquely stuffed, sweating at the temple and bloated in the stomach, like a snake that's swallowed a bowling ball.
But what if Christmas dinner was battered? Now that would surely enable us to reach the very pinnacle of self-loathing.
Well, one fish and chip shop in Devon, UK, is now making nobody's Christmas wishes come true.
Andrew Marshall, who runs Marshall's Fish Bar, is offering a full deep fried Christmas dinner, comprised of a chicken leg, pigs in blankets, sprouts, carrots and stuffing. He has also pioneered the 'gravy bomb', whereby he batters an ice cube of gravy surrounded in mash potato.
If you're still feeling peckish, then you can finish it all off with a battered mince pie. If you're still a tad hungry after that, then seek medical attention - the 'Chipmas dinner' will have supplied you with a filling 1,100 calories.
Mr Marshall, 35, first trialled the deep-fried festive dinner last year and following a positive response (really?) has decided to bring it back this Christmas.
He said: "After some thought, we decided to launch the Chipmas dinner again because it seemed to work so well last year.
"The reason I came up with the idea is because my staff say I am a Scrooge when it comes to Christmas so I thought why not come up with something different?
"I started with just the battered Brussels sprouts, then the pigs in blankets, and then I thought, 'Why not serve an entire Christmas dinner?'
"The battered Christmas dinner will start with a fried chicken leg, battered sprouts, carrots and pigs in blankets.
"We will then take an ice cube of gravy, surround it in mash potato, cover it in breadcrumbs and then fry it. We will also either deep fry the stuffing or cover it in batter and fry it."
Anyone's appetites been whetted? To be fair, sprouts could hardly be more disgusting, could they? Plus that 'gravy bomb' is at the very least a creative way of battering gravy.
But for Mr Marshall, it's the battered mince pie that is the surprise package.
He said: "The best part about it is the deep fried battered mince pie. It just works, I don't know why. They're just lovely."
Sounds like £9.95 (and the risk of an arterial blockage) could be a small price to pay.
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